Shangzilla

Shangzilla is now on Twitter

Shangzilla — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:59:09 +0800

Shanghai's resident monster Shangzilla has awoken from his slumber! You can keep up with his latest updates via @shangzilla on Twitter.

Shangzilla ate the Fail Whale for dinner.

Vote on "Shangzilla is now on Twitter": This is funny! | This is boring

The Shangzilla Review of the Year

Shangzilla — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:30:51 +0800

Google have released their year-end Zeitgeist showing what the world has been searching for. Shangzilla casts his eye over what Chinese netizens have been looking for - that is when they weren't hunting down wrongdoers.

1. 陈冠希 (Chén Guànxī, Edison Chen)
The contents of Edison Chen's hard-drive were the most popular search term. Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt refused to cash in on Edison-mania.

2. 奥运会开幕式 (Àoyùnhuì kāimùshì, Olympic opening ceremony)
Shangzilla thought that nothing of importance happened today, but we guess people were looking for this.

3. 四川地震 (Sìchuān dìzhèn, Sichuan earthquake)
A tragic day for the country. After several weeks of bad news, Shangzilla was hoping something funny would happen.

4. 不合格奶粉名单 (bù hégé nǎifěn míngdān, powdered milk scandal)
Now here was something genuinely to get upset about (unlike Edison Chen, where we just pretended to be outraged and forwarded each other sex pictures). Shangzilla concluded that breast was best

5. 艳照门 (yànzhàomén, "Sexy Photo-Gate")
Yes, its that enormous tool again. Shangzilla likes the Watergate-esque use of "门". At heart, he's a very cultured monster.

6. 画皮 (huàpí, Painted Skin)
The film didn't contain as much skin as promised, much to the disappointment of Dan Wasburnt.

7. 赤裸特工f.b.i (chìluǒ tègōng FBI, Naked Weapon FBI)
This female MySpace.cn blogger combined computer games and sex appeal to wow fans - but we think she's not as cute as JingJing carrying a gun.

8. 国足欢迎你 (guózú huānyíng nǐ, China football welcomes you)
This song and video spoofed the Olympic Song "Beijing Welcomes You" while making fun of the perennially useless Chinese football team. Chinese lyrics are here, sample "场上梦游是惯例,　场下才牛B" "on the field we are sleepwalking, off the field we are (unpleasant individuals)"

9. 刘翔退赛 (Liú Xiáng tuì sài, Liu Xiang withraws from competition)
Despite many shouts of JIAYOU!, local golden boy Liu Xiang dropped out of the Olympics.

10. 神七 (shénqī, Shenzhou 7)
One small step for China, one giant leap for mankind.

We hope you've enjoyed reading Shangzilla this year. We'll be back!

Shangzilla is a monster.

Vote on "The Shangzilla Review of the Year": This is funny! | This is boring

Financial Crisis: Shangzilla makes huge deposit at banks

Alan — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:43:25 +0800

Following on from the People's Bank of China's decision to deposit 50 billion yuan (US$7.3 billion) of government funds in commercial banks, 300m tall monster Shangzilla also made a large deposit in Shanghai banks on Monday morning.

A teller at the Huaihai Road branch of the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) described discovering an enormous deposit in the lobby of the bank. "It was brown, about five meters high and smelled faintly of xiaolongbao. I knew Shangzilla was behind it."

After a heavy night on Tongren Lu, Shangzilla had to relieve himself at several financial institutions, including the HSBC in Pudong. Mr Zhang, the branch manager said his staff members reported discovering a big turd in the VIP Banking area. "I was going to ask Edison Chen to leave, but then I realised what they meant".

The effects on the market are as yet unknown, however the lonely Shangzilla is hoping to receive a stimulus package on Tongren Lu.

Alan is Shangzilla's Global Financial Crisis correspondent

Vote on "Financial Crisis: Shangzilla makes huge deposit at banks": This is funny! | This is boring

In brief: Thirty-seven Sarah Palins in brawl

Matt — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 23:00:00 +0800

Thirty-seven men and women all dressed as Sarah Palin were involved in a fracas outside outside Shanghai Studio on Huaihai Zhong Lu on Friday night. There were scenes of sash-pulling, stilletto stomping and hair tossing.

Also in briefs, twelve people dressed as Superman and Kenneth Tangent.

Matt is Shangzilla's spooky correspondent

Vote on "In brief: Thirty-seven Sarah Palins in brawl": This is funny! | This is boring

Even better than Blockbuster

Sampson — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 03:53:18 +0800

In what some are calling the "the most brilliant business maneuver since financial firm Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy", DVD and video game retail chain Blockbuster has announced that over 1,000 retail outlets will be opened across Shanghai by fourth quarter 2009.

A recent interview with Blockbuster Inc. Director Carl Icahn reveals the motivation behind the expansion into China:

"The recent crash of worldwide banks has had a massive effect on the global economy. While the world is on the cusp of an economic recession, we feel that consumers will be conserving both money and financial resources, which will eventually lead to a rise in rental-based entertainment. We believe that this is the perfect opportunity for Blockbuster to penetrate the Asian sector of the market."

Icahn also supported his claims to provide rental-based entertainment services in China, by noting first-hand the success of current rental-based industries, such as by-the-hour massage parlors and KTV establishments.

In order to ensure customer acceptance, Blockbuster will contract local designers to mimic the store layout and decor with that of current competition. "Outdated posters, mismatched window curtains, secret compartments, kitchens, and back-alley entrances - our goal is to give the customer an authentic Blockbuster experience, without losing touch with the roots of Chinese retail media outlets." says one designer.

Blockbuster Inc's HR Director for China, Kandi Chao, has announced that the company is currently in the hiring process for various positions across all locations. "I'm currently scouting for overzealous customer service employees who are fluent in English idioms", she tells Shangzilla. Chao also mentioned that all employees must have experience in what she described as "locking customers in". Chao declined to further elaborate.

In order to battle current and future competition, Blockbuster will be opening two alternative outlets - "Blockbuster Express" DVD stands as well as wood-and-mortar stores under the name "EVEN BETTER THEN BLOCKBUSTER". The layout and inventory of these storefronts will parallel those of Blockbuster. An anonymous tipster recommended to Shangzilla that all "EVEN BETTER THEN BLOCKBUSTER" customers ask for a V.I.P. membership card, in order to receive a 1 kuai discount on all purchases.

Sampson is Shangzilla's consumer media correspondent

Vote on "Even better than Blockbuster": This is funny! | This is boring

Giant bottle-opener is bigger tool than Edison Chen

Lady Shawna Monroe — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:46:58 +0800

Construction of the world's largest bottle opener was completed in Shanghai's Pudong district last month, but so far it has found little use. The device rises 492 metres above the Huangpu River, and was described by Shanghai Mayor Chen Liaoyun as "the biggest tool in Shanghai since Edison Chen came to visit".

City officials are yet to find a bottle large enough to use with the opener, although there are hopes Budweiser will sponsor a giant bottle. "After all, our beer is cheap piss so it wouldn't be too expensive to make", a (now ex-)spokesman for Anheuser Busch commented.

Monstrous Shangzilla thanked the city for their consideration in building a large enough bottle opener for him to use, but admitted that it was hard to operate with his claws. "If I need a bottle opened, I ask my ayi" he said, waving his tail and accidentally demolishing Pudong Airport's new Terminal 2.

The city plans to incorporate the bottle opener into the world's largest Swiss Army knife, set to open for the World Expo in 2010.

Shawna is Shangzilla's skyscraper correspondent

Vote on "Giant bottle-opener is bigger tool than Edison Chen": This is funny! | This is boring

Breast is best

Mary — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:22:20 +0800

Confused about which milk is safe? Fed up of the weird taste of soy milk? Use our handy visual guide to find out how to get your milk:

Mary is Shangzilla's moo-cow correspondent

Vote on "Breast is best": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai man can't stop shouting "JIAYOU!"

Matt — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 14:50:41 +0800

Zhang Xiaoxia, 42, a resident of Minhang District, was glued to his TV screen during the recent Beijing and Paralympics. Neighbours were used to loud shouts of "JIAYOU ZHONGGUO!", "JIAYOU PING PANG DUI" or "JIAYOU LIU XIANG... aiyo..." from Mr Zhang at all hours of the day and night.

Since the Paralympics Closing Ceremony at the weekend, Zhang has been unable to break the habit. The Dazhong taxi company is considering banning Zhang from their vehicles: a spokesman explained "it is very distracting to our drivers when Zhang constantly shouts 'JIAOYOU SHIFU' on the gaojia, and 'JIAYOU HONGLUDENG' when waiting at a traffic light!

Zhang's wife is also becoming tired of the constant encouragement while she is cooking, applying her makeup, or on the toilet. 'JIAYOU ZHANG TAITAI!'

The bad news for his neigbours is that the noise may continue for two more years. Saturday saw Mr Zhang shouting 'JIAYOU HAIBAO' at a statue of the big blue 2012 World Expo mascot at the South Railway Station.

Matt is Shangzilla's special events correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai man can't stop shouting "JIAYOU!"": This is funny! | This is boring

Opinionated: Angsty Underground Shanghaiistas Converge at Tupperware Party

Shengnan — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 20:33:17 +0800

Do you hold strong views on topics you know little about? Have your friends suffered enough with your moaning? Starting this week, we will publish an opinion piece from readers when we feel like it, so if you feel like you've got something to get off your chest, email it to us at contact AT shangzilla DOT com and if its any good, we will ~~change the name to our own and sell it to a proper magazine~~ publish it under this column. This week, Shengnan Huang has a moan about Pecha Kucha:

Every so often, Creative, Artsy, Angsty, fashionable Shanghaiistas types get drawn out of their shelter and into a series of Tupperware Parties, also known as Pecha Kucha. What is heralded as 'creative chit chat' usually results in a shameless promotion of Chit Chatterers' website/business/design studio/flatulence. How avante garde!

Attendees attempt unsuccessfully to look more interested than they are whilst organisers muster their last shard of enthusiasm to introduce the next speaker. The unmistakable air of dismay hangs ominously as yet another Taikang Lu-esque shop keeper trots out photos of their wares while the audience thinks, I paid 40 kuai (+taxi to Home Depot) to listen to advertising?!

Going to Pecha Kucha is akin to going to Bar Rouge. Every time, you promise yourself it's the last time. But you find yourself there, hoping, nay yearning, to see something more. But alas, more often than not, vacuously leaves you wondering, what am I doing here?

Shanghai, with its multitude of interesting and colourful people, can surely amass a few passionate people to present more interesting topics, no? Perhaps commerce can be taken out of the equation and with more stringent vetting, it may indeed turn into the 'Salon' that was originally envisaged.

All views expressed by Opinionated writers are their own and do not indicate any official position taken by

Shengnan is Shangzilla's Mediocrity Correspondent

Vote on "Opinionated: Angsty Underground Shanghaiistas Converge at Tupperware Party": This is funny! | This is boring

Youngster shoots to fame after utterances of 'WOW' at opening of SWFC viewing deck

Riaad — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:15:01 +0800

As crowds gathered on Saturday to witness the opening of the long-awaited Shanghai World Finance Center (SWFC), one 5-year-old grabbed the attention of onlookers as he was the first visitor of the 100th floor viewing deck to say 'WOW'.

Wang Xiao Pang and his family may not have been the first people to arrive at the building site at 6:30am Saturday morning — that honor belonged to Chen Yin, always first in line for new attractions and inaugurations in Shanghai — but they were definitely the talk of town when Wang, the second person to reach the viewing deck, quickly ran to the window and shouted 'WOW'. The only words Chen Yin could muster, was a disappointing "aah".

"I thought about so many things I could say" answered Wang, when asked about his outstanding words, "but when I got up there all I could get out was 'WOW'". When asked by swarms of journalists what the other things were that he thought about saying, "wo de maya", "wo tiana" and "wo cao" were uttered by the brave little youngster. This was met with 'oohs' from the awe-inspired onlookers and and a slap around the head from Wang's stern mother, Mrs. Wang Hao Ma.

"He's a good boy, but he sometimes gets ahead of himself. We didn't think that we'd get so much attention, but it didn't surprise us really as Xiao Xiao was the first person to say 'grrrr' to a tiger in the zoo." The imitation of a tiger's growl lead to much uproar from society in 2006, when Wang was merely 3 years old, as it caused a giant stampede to the Tiger's Cave in Shanghai zoo when many visitors thought the child was either challenging the tiger to a fight or that he had been raised by tigers and was actually talking to the big cats in the cages.

Zhang Chang Lou, director of tourist attractions at the SWFC was almost in tears when asked to comment on the young one's words. "He is a true ambassador of the Chinese spirit, even better than Liu Xiang. We plan to put a copper plaque with his name and the word 'WOW' engraved onto it at the viewing deck for everyone to witness."

"I don't know what I will say next and where," Wang stated after he was asked where he plans to say something amazing again, "I don't plan these things ahead of time, they just happen." However, hordes of netizens have speculated that the little boy might say something cute during the 2010 World Expo or closer yet, during the opening ceremony of the Paralympics.

Riaad is Shangzilla's skyscraper correspondent

Vote on "Youngster shoots to fame after utterances of 'WOW' at opening of SWFC viewing deck": This is funny! | This is boring

If I could have one kuai for every time I saw someone spitting, I'd have three kuai

David — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 19:35:45 +0800

Shanghai expatriate Ben Bryant ended up with less than he bargained for after complaining to colleague Shaun Fang about Chinese people spitting on the street. "If I could have one kuai every time I saw someone spitting, I'd be a rich man" claimed Bryant.

Fang agreed to pay up, but to Bryant's surprise, he didn't encounter as much spitting as he'd previously recalled. Indeed by the end of the first week, Fang had given Bryant just three kuai. "Goddamit!" complained Bryant. "When I came to Shanghai I was sure I would be walking through a river of phlegm. How dare China not live up to my stereotypes?"

David is Shangzilla's on the streets correspondent

Vote on "If I could have one kuai for every time I saw someone spitting, I'd have three kuai": This is funny! | This is boring

Dan Wasburnt loves pussy

Paul — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:34:42 +0800

Editor Dan Wasburnt pulled off a clever double-bluff in a recent article for the popular Shangzilla.com blog on Friday afternoon. Dan explains "I headlined an article 'Dan Wasburnt loves pussy', knowing that world-weary websurfers would spot the double entendre, and expect to see a get an article about my cat Fluffykins. Instead, they got a big picture of a woman's vagina. LOL!!! NSFW!!!"

Wasburnt has been known to court controversy in the past, and will generally stop at nothing to put tits on the home page.

Paul is Shangzilla's feline correspondent

Vote on "Dan Wasburnt loves pussy": This is funny! | This is boring

Olympics over but residents warned against huge sigh of relief

Maria — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:00:28 +0800

A spectacular closing ceremony brought the 2008 Beijing Olympics to a close at the weekend, but officials monitoring the air quality in Olympic cities warned residents against giving a huge sigh of relief. "While the air quality in Beijing has improved, there are still large quantities of particulates and sulphur dioxide in the air in both Beijing and Shanghai" warned Fei Changxiao, the diminutive head of China's Air Quality Inspectorate. "Therefore it is important to avoid deep sighs to ensure healthy lungs."

"Jiayou pollution control measures, Jiayou Zhongguo" he added.

Maria is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Vote on "Olympics over but residents warned against huge sigh of relief": This is funny! | This is boring

Michael Phelps to be considered separate country

John — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:37:26 +0800

The Beijing Olympic Games Organising Federation announced a rule-change Tuesday to ensure Michael Phelps will be counted as a separate country. "Phelps has already won three medals for the USA, and is threatening to win several more" explained a BOGOF spokesman. "This really can't do! Jiaoyou Zhongguo!".

A new, more harmonious medal table was published on the BOGOF website earlier. China are now well in the lead. After Phelps' medals are subtracted, USA fall to third place in the official standings behind Korea, while Phelps is single-handedly ahead of Russia and Great Britain.

John is Shangzilla's Olympics correspondent

Vote on "Michael Phelps to be considered separate country": This is funny! | This is boring

08-08-08: Nothing of importance happened today

Matt — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:00:00 +0800

Shangzilla's diary for 8th August 2008:

Went for a walk on the Bund, ate a few tourists. Nothing decent on TV.

Matt is Shangzilla's biographer

Vote on "08-08-08: Nothing of importance happened today": This is funny! | This is boring

Pingpangdingdanghahadawangtiezhejiaodizhanzhexiedi Lu causing metro delays

Hamic — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 04:08:35 +0800

Work on Shanghai's Metro Line 7, due to open in 2009, has been delayed as workmen have run out of paint for station signboards. The problem centres around 乒乓叮当哈哈大王贴着脚地占着鞋底路 or Pingpangdingdanghahadawangtiezhejiaodizhanzhexiedi Road Station, the name of which requires more than the expected amount of red paint on station maps and signs.

Xiao Zhang, the 'voice of the metro', has also demanded a 20% increase in her fee for recording announcements for the new station, leading to fears of a budget overrun. "After a day's work saying 下一站，乒乓叮当哈哈大王贴着脚地占着鞋底路，下车乘客请提前做好准备，从左边车门下车, I'm really tired!" Zhang explained.

Zhang exclusively previewed the new announcements for Shangzilla. Listen to the announcement (mp3).

Zhang also explained why the voice on China Telecom's 10086 helpline is so incomprehensible. "They wouldn't pay my usual fee, so I put a ping-pong ball in my mouth before doing the recordings."

Hamic is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "Pingpangdingdanghahadawangtiezhejiaodizhanzhexiedi Lu causing metro delays": This is funny! | This is boring

QQ outage, productivity soars

Paul — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:00:00 +0800

A 24-hour outage of the popular Tencent QQ instant messenger system led to millions of hours of gained productivity in offices across Shanghai on Friday.

"I was amazed at how much work got done!", remarked David Chang, manager at advertising company FeelMedia. "Whenever I looked round the office, everyone had spreadsheets and Word documents open! It was so unusual!"

The Shanghai stock market reported brisk trade in the afternoon session, as traders were forced to spend time buying and selling shares, instead of sending each other jokes.

For some though, the stress was too much. By 4pm, secretary Paperclip Chen was getting panic attacks, after being unable to message her friends for a whole day. "I was hoping to get a new emoticon today", she sobbed.

Paul is Shangzilla's internet correspondent

Vote on "QQ outage, productivity soars": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai Metro Line 87 plan "shows we mean business"

Hamic — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:17:28 +0800

Annoyed by the fact Beijing recently opened three new metro lines, the Shanghai Metro Operations Co. today released plans for metro line 87. “The fact that we are planning line 87 shows our commitment to a comprehensive metro system covering the entire Pearl River Delta" said a spokeswoman.

Beijing's third line was numbered 13, leading observers to assume the missing numbered lines would eventually be constructed. Shanghai intends to do the same with the new plans. The line is expected to be completed in 2050, in time for the 2052 FIFA World Cup in Shanghai.

Line 87, which will be depicted on maps in plurfle* and green, will link two yet-to-be-built satellite cities of 5 million people, and will intersect with Line 83, Line 129 and Line 77 at the 13-line interchange Mafan Lu.

* Note: The color plurfle is expected to be discovered in 2040

Hamic is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai Metro Line 87 plan "shows we mean business"": This is funny! | This is boring

Taiwan rejects gift of large wooden panda

Pete — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:08:00 +0800

Taiwan premier Liu Chao-shiuan has snubbed a gift of a large black and white wooden panda left outside the gates of Taipei. The panda was a goodwill present from the government in Beijing. Liu said he was suspicious that something like this had been tried before.

Beijing denied any foul play, saying the panda was a gift to Taiwan Province to show the continued progress which has been made in cross-Straits dialog.

Political commentators expressed concern that the panda might contain a battalion of Chinese Red Army troops. When our Shangzilla correspondent approached the panda, she was convinced she heard "Shhhh, shhhh" from inside the panda's belly, but this was explained by a government spokesperson as "the sound of bamboo digesting".

Pete is Shangzilla's panda correspondent

Vote on "Taiwan rejects gift of large wooden panda": This is funny! | This is boring

Cedric M is too cool to attend your party, loser

Tammy — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:58:22 +0800

Cédric M is far too cool to attend the housewarming party of British expatriate Dave Morgan.

In a statement, Cédric said "Cédric is not going to attend some crappy little party at Apartment 3704, Building 17, Fragrant Garden, Datian Lu near Beijing Lu. Cédric only attends glamorous parties where scantily-clad girls pose in front of sponsors' logos then shake their breasts at the camera."

"The most exciting thing you'll be doing at your party is playing Uno, you big fat loser. Cédric doesn't attend parties where people drink homemade punch. Do you have an acute accent in your name like Cédric? Do you talk abut yourself in the third person? Have you even been to Bar Rouge, you expat wannabee?"

Tammy is Shangzilla's nightlife correspondent

Vote on "Cedric M is too cool to attend your party, loser": This is funny! | This is boring

China plans next engineering marvel

Nicholas — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 23:46:00 +0800

Chinese authorities have just announced that the soon-to-be-completed Three Gorges Dam is actually just the power source for the next monstrously huge engineering project: the Ten Kilometer Cooler, a giant air conditioner which will cover approximately 80% of Shanghai.

Zhu Huobing, Deputy Director for Communications and Coolants, explained that the move is intended to help Shanghai take a firm step toward becoming the new financial center of Asia. "Think about it," he stated, "every major Asian city is ta-ma-de hot in the summer. To be able to turn the temperature down to, say, 25 is a distinct advantage."

The remote control alone will be 240 meters tall and will be featured in the Pudong skyline as part of the new "Control Economic Center".

Some political analysts see an even deeper motive in the overall plan. According to James Fallows, the Shanghai-connected technocrats in the Politiburo are getting tired of the frigid winters and sweltering summers in Beijing. "With the completion of the Cooler, they can make a strong case to just move the whole capital to Shanghai. Maybe then I can get a freaking visa."

Nicholas is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Vote on "China plans next engineering marvel": This is funny! | This is boring

Couple spends all day looking for Xiangyang Market

Marc — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:30:56 +0800

Tourists Ray and Wanda Correira spent all day today looking for the Xiangyang Fake Market. The couple were unaware that the market closed in 2006, since they were relying on their old copy of Frommer's China to get them around the city. "I'm sure it should be here, near the Shimen Yi Lu metro station" said Ray, after several hours walking around in circles. "Actually we can't seem to find that either."

"We're finding it a bit difficult to get our bearings" said Ray. "For example the Pu Dong marshland on the east side of the river seem to have some skyscrapers and stuff there now. Whatever will they think of next!"

For dinner the Correiras are heading to the Naked Cow before an evening out at Mint. We wish them luck.

Marc is Shangzilla's nightlife correspondent

Vote on "Couple spends all day looking for Xiangyang Market": This is funny! | This is boring

Photo of the Day: Arsehole Soup

Swisstopher — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:44:00 +0800

Share with us how you see nouveau riche ringwipes flaunting their wealth in a country where the average wage wouldn’t buy a Tsingtao at Lounge18. You can simply email your photos to contact at shangzilla.com.

Swisstopher is Shangzilla's summertime hangout that looks like a carshow

Vote on "Photo of the Day: Arsehole Soup": This is funny! | This is boring

New 11 RMB note benefits taxi passengers

Hamic — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 09:53:07 +0800

The People's Bank of China has issued a new banknote with a denomination of 11 renminbi. The new note is designed to match the minimum fare on taxis in the city. Businessman Li Xiaoxia said he was delighted by the news. "At last I won't have to hunt around my wallet for that extra one kuai. This will really make my life easier."

Eight of the notes will make 88 kuai, a lucky number in Chinese culture, making the new bill ideal for paying the mai dan or as a gift.

The note will incorporate several innovative security features. On the reverse of the note Mao Zedong will be sitting in a holographic Dazhong taxi. Holding the note up to the light will cause a recorded sound to be played: "Wu qi, wu qi, wu qi qi qi! wo chi, wo chi, wo chi chi chi!"

Hamic is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "New 11 RMB note benefits taxi passengers": This is funny! | This is boring

Dan Wasburnt to buy Hainan

Matt — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:00:00 +0800

Shangzilla's millionaire managing editor Dan Wasburnt is to buy Hainan Island and turn it into a giant golf course, sources close to the Great Man report. Wasburnt has been researching his book "Par for China", a thriller of a book about golf, China, zombies, and much, much more which is available on Amazon.com right now.

The star of Wasburnt's book, Zhou Xunshu has had a mixed season, so Wasburnt decided to take matters into his own hands by buying Hainan Island and turning it into a private training ground for Xunshu. "The story will only be complete when Enlai wins the US Open", commented bushy-haired Wasburnt.

Wasburnt said he was not a really a fan of golf, but his previous book ideas, "Pair for China" (a hands-on study of increasing breast size amongst Chinese women) and "Scar for China" (a study of plastic surgery in Chinese cities) were both rejected by publishers.

Matt is Shangzilla's golf correspondent

Vote on "Dan Wasburnt to buy Hainan": This is funny! | This is boring

Pandas mistakenly adopted one-child policy

Stuart — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:35:57 +0800

Scientists at the Shanghai Giant Panda Research Facility claim to have made a breakthrough in understanding why giant pandas are so reticent about mating. "We had tried everything to get our pandas in captivity to breed with each other" explained Liu Ye, chief panda scientist. "Aphrodisiac bamboo, videos of other pandas having sex, Viagra. They just seemed to be really bad at having babies". Without sufficient levels of breeding, the giant panda population will collapse, moving them closer to extinction.

The scientists now believe the lack of breeding was caused by a poorly worded memo relating to the one-child policy. "We believe the pandas misunderstood one of the characters in the memo for a similar hanzi, and thought the one-child policy applied to them too. All this time we've been thinking pandas are dumb and actually they've been trying to work for the good of the country."

The scientists hope to next investigate whether the panda's strict diet of bamboo is actually due to them mistakenly following a celebrity diet they read about in Cosmopolitan.

Stuart is Shangzilla's panda correspondent

Vote on "Pandas mistakenly adopted one-child policy": This is funny! | This is boring

Satirical website hopes something funny will happen

MF — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:28:49 +0800

Glum editors of Shanghai website ShangYeti expressed hopes something funny would happen Monday.

"With all the recent tragedies lately like the Sichuan earthquake, it's not easy to find something to write about," moaned editor Matt Minor, swigging from a cup of what he claimed was "tea," but what freelancers suspected was actually bourbon. "I mean, how can you joke about that, or about the flooding in Guangxi province? This'll be the end of us."

Twiddling his thumbs at his rickety desk, co-editor Dan Bendan agreed, saying, "We've been racking our brains trying to figure out what to do. Sharon Stone jokes are too obvious. Plus any stupid thing we have her say will sound too real to be funny."

"We've been hoping for a new sex scandal, because those are always fun. There's that one about the conductor on the Qinghai-Tibet railway, but come on, he's not even famous. Who cares?" added freelancer Bustis Hayes.

"Where is Edison Chen when you need him?" moaned Minor, before collapsing into what co-workers suggested was a drunken stupor.

MF is Shangzilla's correspondent. Oh yes she is.

Vote on "Satirical website hopes something funny will happen": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla editor wearing many hats, little else

Lucy — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:15:00 +0800

If you haven't seen much of Shangzilla editor Kenneth Tangent of late, it's because he has been dividing his time between multiple projects over the last few months, gossip column 3.30am reports.

As well as his day job at Shangzilla, and freelance reporting – Tangent is always looking for new angles – Kenneth has been acting as "community manager" for new gay social networking website thoseshoesarefabulousdarling.com "the place for gay, straight, bisexual, bicurious or bivalval people to connect and compliment each other on their fabulous sense of style".

Tangent himself was spotted in a photoshoot for the site wearing nothing but several hats.

Lucy is Shangzilla's fashion correspondent

Vote on "Shangzilla editor wearing many hats, little else": This is funny! | This is boring

Paralympic mascot claims he looks like "retarded cow"

Matt — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:42:01 +0800

Paralympic mascot Fu Niu Lele has blasted the graphic designer responsible for drawing him, saying his depiction was crude and offensive.

"The Friendlies have had a lot of time and effort spent on them", argued Fu Niu Lele, "and their design reflects thematic elements and the colours of the Olympic rings. Me? I'm just a poorly-drawn afterthought."

"Look at me!" complained the mad cow, warming to his theme, "I'm incredibly patronising to disabled people! I look like I was drawn by a child of five, with pink and yellow splodges! I look like some kind of retarded cow! Is this the best you could do?"

Contacted by Shangzilla, graphic designer Xiao Longbao stroked his goatee beard and flapped his arms ineffectually.

After calming down, the mad cow reflected that things could be worse: "At least I look better than Haibao."

Matt is Shangzilla's Olympics correspondent

Vote on "Paralympic mascot claims he looks like "retarded cow"": This is funny! | This is boring

Da Lai's llamas

Llewellyn — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:41:41 +0800

A land dispute in a province in south-western China has turned ugly. Businessman Mr Han owns a large tract of farmland, known as Zhongguo Farm, which is rented out to various tenants. Han is upset with the behavior of one of his tenants, Da Lai who has opened a llama colony on part of the land.

"Da Lai's llamas are revolting" Mr Han told Shangzilla. "The llamas have been acting violently and destroying Han property, including my tractor. The llamas must acknowledge that this land is, was and always has been part of Zhongguo Farm."

For his part, Da Lai claims Han plans to illegally take his land. "Han has constantly harrassed me for the past thirty years" he argued. "The final straw was when he and his henchman marched through my land with a large flaming torch. I will not be intimidated."

Llewellyn is Shangzilla's llama correspondent

Vote on "Da Lai's llamas": This is funny! | This is boring

Internet witchhunts 'a full-time job' claim netizens

Balaji — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 03:35:29 +0800

Shanghai netizens are struggling to find time to eat and sleep due to the Internet witchhunts which are triggered on the Chinese InterWang. People who post unpatriotic and thoughtless comments and videos are being pursued relentlessly by a tireless band of surfers, but the netizoos are starting to find the workload challenging.

"This eats up more of my time than World of Warcraft" complained Xiao Zhang, a Shanghai student. "I spent all of Sunday tracking down the address and ID number of a guy from Guilin who posted a video about how great France was on Xiaonei. On Monday and Tuesday I was busy posting on the BBSs attacking a girl who insulted earthquake victims. Then I spent most of the rest of the week hacking into the QQ account of someone who hadn't put (L) China in front of their name."

Zhang is worried his studies may be suffering as he often spends up to 20 hours a day righting wrongs. "It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it."

Balaji is Shangzilla's Internet correspondent

Vote on "Internet witchhunts 'a full-time job' claim netizens": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla awakes, not all citizens panic

Matt — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:32:03 +0800

Terrifying yet lovable monster Shangzilla today awoke from his slumber, promising brand new blog articles over the coming weeks.

Pudongers and Puxiites alike panicked at the re-appearance of the 200-storey beast marauding through their neighbourhood. “I don't care about satirical blog articles, I just want my car back” said Mr Zhang, whose Toyota Camry was devoured by Shangzilla for a mid-morning snack.

Traffic guard Lao Hu was unpeturbed. "Shangzilla wanted to cross Nanjing Road to eat from his favourite xiaolongbao vendor ... I mean eat his favourite xiaolongbao vendor... but I told him he had to wait for my signal to cross, like all the other pedestrians."

"After first under on, do walking with civility", Hu added.

Matt is Shangzilla's breaking news correspondent

Vote on "Shangzilla awakes, not all citizens panic": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla is sleeping - help wake him up!

Kenneth Tangent — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:28:22 +0800

If you live in Pudong, the loud rumbling sounds you've been hearing on occasions are the sound of Shangzilla snoring. After drinking too much baijiu at the Shangzilla Chinese New Year party, he's been slumbering ever since... now we need your help to wake him up so he can write lots of new articles for Shangzilla.com.

Our hard-working and lowly-paid team of Indian interns has been hard at work creating a new Facebook Page for Shangzilla. If you want to see more fun articles about Shangzilla, please become a fan by visiting the page and clicking Become a fan. Once we reach 50 fans, Shangzilla will awake!

Kenneth is Shangzilla's pillow-fluffer

Vote on "Shangzilla is sleeping - help wake him up!": This is funny! | This is boring

F visas to be replaced by F-U visas

David — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:29:22 +0800

Businesspeople will no longer be able to apply for multiple-entry F visas, according to announcements from the Bureau of Public Security. Previously F visas entitled the holder to enter China multiple times during 6 months or more.

Jiang Yu, a spokeswoman for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs indicated that in the run-up to the eagerly anticipated Beijing Olympics, foreigners would have to apply for new F (Universal) or F-U visas.

Joerg Wutdehell, president of the EU Chamber of Commerce in China called the new restrictions 'very very annoying'. 'When one of our members tried to apply for an F visa, he was told "f--- you!"'

Freelance writers and journalist will also need to apply for a new specialized visa, the F (Official). Reporters who wish to be in China during the Games will be told to F-OFF.

David is Shangzilla's visa correspondent

Vote on "F visas to be replaced by F-U visas": This is funny! | This is boring

US news network: "We're not biased, we're ignorant"

MF — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 02:33:26 +0800

After a growing outcry by Chinese netizens over inaccurate reporting, a spokesman for US news network DNN issued a statement Tuesday denying their mistakes were caused by bias.

"Our mislabeling of photos was simply caused by the fact that we, as Americans, don't know what's going on. Many of our present employees attended high school during the Bush administration. They're lucky they can even find the United States on a map."

An editor who supplied a misleading caption justified himself, saying, "I mean, those pictures were taken in a foreign country. There are lots of foreign countries, like France, and India, and Puerto Rico. I get them all mixed up." When asked about the picture taken in Nepal that was captioned as being in China, he scoffed. "Nepal isn’t a real country. It's made up, like Kazakhstan, for that Borat movie."

"While it's easy to suspect that prejudice colored media coverage, there is plenty of evidence to support ineptitude claims," noted Hong Kong Media University professor W. S. Law. "Just look at last month's article from the culture section, "Hitler's film Modern Times, a classic for the ages.'"

MF is Shangzilla's breaking news correspondent

Vote on "US news network: "We're not biased, we're ignorant"": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai to boycott Beijing Olympics

Paul — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:42:55 +0800

Disappointed that no foreign countries have boycotted the Beijing Olympics, Shanghai mayor Han Zheng has announced that Shanghai is to boycott the Games of the XXIX Olympiad. "This is not a matter of rivalry between Shanghai and Beijing" Han clarified, "although clearly the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai is a far more significant event than some silly Greek sports festival".

The Olympic flame will be passing through Shanghai on May 20th this year. Shanghainese will be equipped with water guns to aim at the torch as it travels through the city. Shanghai taxi driver Mr Hu, 32, said "Olympics? What Olympics?"

Paul is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai to boycott Beijing Olympics": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla is on holiday

Shangzilla — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 23:20:42 +0800

Shangzilla is taking a break for a few months. Look out for new articles later this year!

Haibao and Yingying in mascot sex romp

Roberta — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 04:19:41 +0800

Beijing Olympic mascot Yingying and Shanghai Expo mascot Haibao are the latest celebrities to be involved in a sex scandal. According to our sources, Yingying has been neglecting her mascot duties with the other four Fuwa in order to get down and dirty with big blue boy Haibao.

An ayi at the Olympic Hotel in Beijing spotted Haibao entering Yingying's room at midnight last Thursday. On pressing her ear to the door, she heard Yingying screaming "Faster! higher! stronger! ... Right there! Harder! Deeper!"

When questioned about what she was doing with Haibao, Yingying giggled behind her hands, before running a 42.195km marathon, grabbing her sabre, and doing some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Haibao, who commentators have described as looking "like some kind of demented blue condom" has been in hiding in Boston since the reported incident. It is rumoured that Yingying's jealous fellow mascot Jingjing, who has mafia connections, has been looking for him.

Roberta is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Vote on "Haibao and Yingying in mascot sex romp": This is funny! | This is boring

Annoying kid from chicken bouillon advert smacked into next week

MF — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:08:01 +0800

The bratty kid who will not eat his grandmother's cooking because it makes his "KOU GAN!!!" - as featured on the Tai Tai Le Granulated Chicken Bouillon - has finally been smacked into next week. Neighbors who wish to remain anonymous report that Ye Nainai finally got so fed up with the ungrateful little emperor that she gave him a whack so hard it could be heard in the neighborhood management office. "We don't condone violence against children here," said another local granny, "but that boy was unbearable."

Upon landing, he will be joining the other horrible kid from the Dr. Bai Whitening Cream commercial, who sings that his spotty mother is unbearable to look at. He will also be receiving speech therapy that will teach him how to say "hao chi!" with proper Mandarin pronunciation.

MF is Shangzilla's chicken bouillon correspondent

Vote on "Annoying kid from chicken bouillon advert smacked into next week": This is funny! | This is boring

Naked Edison Chen photos unrelated to latest Shangzilla article

Dan — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:00:00 +0800

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt's latest article for popular website Shangzilla.com has nothing to do with naked photos of Edison Chen.

Washburnt noted however, that the article Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you was currently topping the most popular articles this month. Even shameless ripoffs of Shangzilla.com are filled with stories about Edison Chen.

"Since internet users are searching frequently for "Edison Chen photos" and "Edison Chen taking naked pictures" and "Edison Chen latest sex scandal pictures", commented Wasburnt, "I decided to mention Edison Chen as many times as I could in the article to ensure my article came first in Google, whenever anyone searched for Edison Chen"

"I might also mention other Hong Kong stars like Gillian Chung, Bobo Chan, and Cecilia Cheung, who are also unrelated to my article. But closely related to Edison Chen", Wasburnt continued.

Wasburnt, whose hairstyle has rarely been compared to Edison Chen, once came last in an Edison Chen lookalike contest.

Wasburnt's next article, also about golf, is entitled "Latest pics in Edison Chen sex scandal".

Dan is Shangzilla's god-king

Vote on "Naked Edison Chen photos unrelated to latest Shangzilla article": This is funny! | This is boring

Air China flight departs on time, leaves passengers stranded

Stephen — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 07:15:38 +0800

Approximately 50 passengers were stranded at Shanghai's Pudong International airport (PVG) on Thursday after an Air China flight to Shenzhen left the runway at its scheduled departure time.

Mass confusion took place while Air China staff tried their best to calm the upset crowd by providing tea and snacks.

One visibly upset passenger, Mr. Zhang, commented "This is outrageous! I take several business trips a month and I have never seen an Air China flight without a delay of at least 30 minutes. How can they do this and not expect passengers to be upset? It's crazy!".

Several customers demanded compensation. Another passenger, Ms. Qian, commented "If Air China wants to treat its customers like this, my family and I will take our business elsewhere." Air China declined to comment.

Stephen is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "Air China flight departs on time, leaves passengers stranded": This is funny! | This is boring

Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you

MF — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:05:00 +0800

Those naked pictures you let Edison Chen take of you with his webcam were released to several web sites Saturday. They include several nude shots, one where you are giving oral pleasure, those ones with the lacy tights, and the one you forgot about where you were wearing a police uniform.

As the scandal continues to unfold, Chen recently released a statement to YouTube in which he did not apologize for taking naked pictures of you. He did not apologize for storing them on his computer where they could be downloaded by any third party who gained access to the machine. He also did not apologize for taking his computer to a random repair shop to be fixed, thereby giving total strangers access to photos of you and other people. However, he did apologize to anyone whose feelings had been hurt by the photos' exposure.

The photos can now be found on several forums, including those on Tianji.com and Baido.com. They are next to pictures of Edison Chen with Regina Ip, Nina Wang and your mom.

MF is Shangzilla's celebrity correspondent

Vote on "Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you": This is funny! | This is boring

Was Dan Wasburnt burnt in firework down pants incident?

Ken — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:27:26 +0800

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt had to make a trip to the Huashan hospital after having a firecracker explode in his pants on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Upon arriving at the hospital, Wasburnt showed his ID and told the paramedics "I was burnt!" They replied "We can see that, but what's the problem?"

Sub-editor Kenneth Tangent, writing about the incident, said it was a terrible struggle not to use a number of humorous firework related puns in the article. "This really was a cracker of a story", Tangent commented, "it was almost irresistible to write that Dan's evening had gone with a bang!"

Ken is Shangzilla's fireworks correspondent

Vote on "Was Dan Wasburnt burnt in firework down pants incident?": This is funny! | This is boring

Thwarted again, the Nian considers break with tradition

Nicholas — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:27:06 +0800

Despite having an entire year to prepare, the monster 年 (Nian) posted yet another disappointing round of failed attacks on numerous Chinese human settlements last Tueday.

"I trained hard and studied my enemy," Nian commented. "But, in the end, they were ready for me with fireworks, red banners, and lanterns. Man, I hate that stuff, and they know it."

Editor's note: According to tradition, every New Year's Eve, the Nian comes out to devour people and animals. However, on New Year’s Eve 除夕(chuxi), Chinese people put couplets written on red paper up on their gate, hang red lanterns across gate beams, set off fireworks and stay up all night. Since the monster hates the color red, bright lights and firecrackers, he is driven away for another year.

Nian's string of many thousand failures has forced him to re-think his strategy. "I've always been convinced that the night before the Lunar New Year in China was really the ideal attack plan," he insisted. "But you know, maybe I need to switch it up, try something new... god, I haven’t had a bite to eat in ages."

So far, Nian is being secretive about his plans, but an unnamed close associate reports that he's considering attacks on a "plump and juicy" Western hemisphere country sometime in early July.

Nicholas is Shangzilla's monster correspondent

Vote on "Thwarted again, the Nian considers break with tradition": This is funny! | This is boring

Chinese rats celebrate Year of the Human

Matt — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 22:58:19 +0800

160 million Shanghai rats celebrated the arrival of the Year of the Human last night, with rats in party hats enjoying the fireworks across the city. Rats celebrated by scurrying around, drinking baijiu and spreading bubonic plague. There was a particularly large concentration of rats in City Diner's kitchen.

Rats born in the Year of the Human are known for their intelligence, imagination, and regular destruction of the natural environment and each other.

For many rats there would be little to celebrate this year though, with the worse weather in a generation freezing sewer systems and preventing rats from visiting their relatives in other provinces.

Matt is Shangzilla's vermin correspondent

Vote on "Chinese rats celebrate Year of the Human": This is funny! | This is boring

一英籍男子在上海遭受冷遇

Jing — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:34:19 +0800

本报讯，昨日上午一英国籍男子马田拨打本社新闻热线，希望将其亲身遭遇公诸于众。

据马先生口述，有次他迷路希望求助于路人，当他刚说到：“我可以问你吗？”该女子就回了句：“流氓”，转身离开，留下马先生一个人非常无助。在饺子店他客气地问服务员，“我要水饺，多少钱一碗？”，又一次遭遇了服务员的白眼。

马先生希望借助本报的力量呼吁全社会要善待外国客人，尤其是普通话不那么标准的。

本报记者王静随后与马田汉语老师取得联系。经过调查，“问”和“吻”发音相同，只差声调的区别；“水饺”和“睡觉”也相似；而“碗”和“晚”则完全一样。马先生恍然大悟，并表示决心一定要学好汉语声调。

王静，驻墨尔本汉语声调记者

Jing is Shangzilla's tonal correspondent

Vote on "一英籍男子在上海遭受冷遇": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai to halve residents on street in preparation for Chinese New Year

Nicholas — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:26:24 +0800

Responding to growing concern about traffic, pollution, and sanitation in Shanghai during the Chinese New Year holiday, city officials have announced a plan to ban half of the city's residents from leaving their homes every other day.

The plan calls for all residents with surnames Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, and Wu to stay inside their homes on even days of the month and all other residents to stay inside on odd days during the new year holiday.

“Many visitors will come to Shanghai for the first time during the New Year holiday," explained Wu Jianghua, official spokesperson of the Shanghai Human Circulation Harmony Planning Department. "We don't want them to have the impression that Shanghai is a dirty, overcrowded, exhausting place. We want them to be able to enjoy the city in a more natural state and leave with a positive impression."

In preparation, he continued, "residents are encouraged to stock up on essentials such as rice, water, cooking oil, and DVD box sets."

Nicholas is Shangzilla's urban planning correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai to halve residents on street in preparation for Chinese New Year": This is funny! | This is boring

"Tom Cruise English" to go on sale

MF — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:12:10 +0800

Jiaolong University Press announced that its latest book, "Tom Cruise English", will go on sale nationwide Thursday.

"We thought Crazy English is so popular, and this is just another kind of crazy English!" explained Wang Badan, JUP's marketing head.

Lessons are based on Cruise's past interviews, as well as on the video currently making the rounds on the Internet. The first lesson is entitled "A ha ha ha ha!" covering the basics of Cruise's disturbing laugh. Subsequent lessons, based on the recent interview, teach students valuable oral English like, "You've got the power! And you know it's up to you, because, BAM! A ha ha ha ha!"

When questioned closely, Wang Badan admitted that Jiaolong University is not a real university, much like how Scientology is not a real religion.

MF is Shangzilla's education correspondent

Vote on ""Tom Cruise English" to go on sale": This is funny! | This is boring

China soccer team to switch to Oceania Football Confederation

Mark — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 11:45:11 +0800

In 2006, the Australian national soccer team moved from the Oceania Football Confederation (OFC) to the Asian Football Confederation (AFC) as they hoped the higher quality of the Asian game would improve the standard of their players.

Now the Chinese soccer team is set to do the reverse, seeking a lower quality of football in the Southern Hemisphere. Xie Yalong, the president of the Football Association of the People's Republic of China said "We know that the Chinese football team is something of a joke at the moment. We hope that by playing teams such as the Cook Islands and Kiribati, we may have a better chance than when playing footballing giants such as Uzbekistan."

Mark is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Vote on "China soccer team to switch to Oceania Football Confederation": This is funny! | This is boring

Week around the -zillas

Ashok — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:51:31 +0800

Shangzilla's not the only monster terrorising his local metropolis. His cousins around the world have been up to their usual antics this week:

* LAzilla was worried about being typecast after getting yet another part in a tired old monster movie franchise
* Gothamzilla went for a quiet night on the town on the Brooklyn Bridge but was shot at by anti-terrorism police.
* Torontozilla said "eh"
* Londonzilla decided to enter the mayoral contest as she thought both of the main candidates were pretty forgettable
* Shangzilla was finding the air smelled of cigarettes
* SFzilla created a Web 2.0 mashup widget RSS generator on Rails
* Phillyzilla had a bad experience when trying to order his cheesesteak in Spanish, so ate Joey Vento.
* Seattlezilla sat in Starbucks for most of the day playing with his new iPod Nanosaurus.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

Vote on "Week around the -zillas": This is funny! | This is boring

"English First" tutor sick and tired of being tied to student with rope

Matt — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:12:27 +0800

You may have seen the posters for the "English First" language school in taxis and metro stations. Some have laughed at the cheesy images of tutors tied to students with rope, a clumsy metaphor for the one-on-one mentoring that English First tutors promise to provide.

For expatriate Benjamin Watson, it's no laughing matter. Watson was first tied to student Zhang Wenjun in 2005 for a photoshoot. Failing to read the small print of his contract, he didn't realise that he was expected to remain tied to Miss Zhang for the next five years. "It's becoming really inconvenient" said Watson, "our arms are tied together at all times, which makes eating difficult. My tennis has really gone downhill in the last few years".

Zhang is also having second thoughts about the arrangement. "While my English has got better and better, my boyfriend is not happy about me being tied to Mr Watson all the time".

Shangzilla attempted to call the English First hotline to get the official company line, but all their operators were tied up.

Matt is Shangzilla's ropey correspondent

Vote on ""English First" tutor sick and tired of being tied to student with rope": This is funny! | This is boring

Chinese poet Li Bai "was a laowai"

Lilian — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:26:50 +0800

Controversial new research from researchers at Shanghai Abnormal University has suggested that Li Bai, one of the greatest poets in China's history, was a foreigner who spent much of his life bumming around China to avoid going back home to pay his student loan. Fan Yangbing, who led the research, said the evidence was difficult to ignore.

The cultural faux pas: "Once, Li Bai was drunk and asked Gao Lishi, the most powerful eunuch in the palace, to take off his boots in front of the emperor."

The excess consumption of alcohol: "Li Bai had a great love for liquor."

Putting off getting a proper job: "Though he expressed the wish to become an official, he could not be bothered to sit for the Chinese civil service examination."

Having one too many at Bar Rouge: "he is said to have drowned in the Yangtze River, having fallen from his boat while drunkenly trying to embrace the reflection of the moon."

Moreover, new textual analysis suggests that Li Bai may have ripped off the poems which so fascinated the aristocrats of 8th century China from Britney Spears songs.

花間一壺酒。 Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
獨酌無相親。 My loneliness is killin me (and I)
舉杯邀明月。 I must confess I still believe (still believe)
對影成三人。 When Im not with you I lose my mind
月既不解飲。 Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Lilian is Shangzilla's poetry correspondent

Vote on "Chinese poet Li Bai "was a laowai"": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai air pollution index raised from "Marlboro Lights" to "Silk Cut"

Matt — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:09:05 +0800

The city's environment department announced on Saturday that the air pollution index in the city had reached "Silk Cut" level, higher than the previous "Marlboro Lights". The Bureau of Environment Statistics took the unusual step of measuring air pollution via comparisons to cigarette brands after Shanghai's air pollution levels "fell off the scale" of more conventional systems.

Mr Li, the bureau chief, explained: "The elevation of the warning scale to 'Silk Cut' indicates that a ten minute walk in central Puxi now has the same effect on your lungs as smoking a pack of 'Silk Cut' cigarettes. We are confident that the air quality measures we are introducing will prevent us reaching 'Benson and Hedges' levels during 2008.

The tobacco firms could not be reached for comment, though they are thought to be unhappy at the competition in China's emerging market. "After all," commented one industry insider to Shangzilla, "if the Chinese can damage their lungs just by going about their everyday business, why do they need to take up smoking?"

Matt is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai air pollution index raised from "Marlboro Lights" to "Silk Cut"": This is funny! | This is boring

Novelty hat cements Han Zheng's position as Shanghai mayor

Mary-Kate — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:44:29 +0800

Shanghai mayor, Han Zheng (韩正) looks set to keep his job after donning a large yellow "hammer and sickle" novelty hat at a recent charity event.

Beijing believes that Han is 'a good comrade' and 'can continue to do a good job in Shanghai', new Shanghai Party chief Yu Zhengsheng was quoted as telling a recent meeting of senior city officials.

'More importantly, he also had the coolest hat at the end-of-year charity disco', Yu added.

Mary-Kate is Shangzilla's fashion correspondent

Vote on "Novelty hat cements Han Zheng's position as Shanghai mayor": This is funny! | This is boring

Advertising agency finally finds a use for rejected toothpaste mascot

Jim — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:36:38 +0800

Shao Longtu, 102, CEO of the Jiumuchuansheng advertising company, was delighted to finally find a use for some rejected sketches of a mascot for Colgate toothpaste. "We had one of our interns working on the Colgate account", Shao explained, "and he came up with the idea of a big splodge-like creature called Cavit-T, who sang a song about gum disease. Unfortunately Colgate's marketing department thought the mascot looked too much like a genital worm, and the campaign was shelved".

The drawings have been sitting in a drawer for the last six months, until the Shanghai World Expo marketing department paid a visit. "We thought we'd show them a few sketches so they knew what kind of things to avoid - but everyone really took to Cavit-T. In ten minutes we'd given him a new name, and knocked up a story about blue representing water, sea, the Earth, life, dreams, the future and technology. And indeed blueberry muffins.

Presenting the Shanghai Expo mascot: ~~Cavit-T~~ Haibao!

Jim is Shangzilla's advertising correspondent

Vote on "Advertising agency finally finds a use for rejected toothpaste mascot": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla is hibernating

Matt — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 11:39:07 +0800

Matt is Shangzilla's festive correspondent

Vote on "Shangzilla is hibernating": This is funny! | This is boring

Muslim, Hindu colleagues have great time at office Christmas party

MF — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 12:46:07 +0800

Expatriate Walter Stevenson of Leeds, England continued to sulk Friday night as his non-Christian co-workers whooped it up at the annual office Christmas party, held in the posh Royal Equatorial Hotel, Pudong. "Jesus is the reason for the season," he said petulantly, crossing his arms across his chest.

Meanwhile, co-worker Anmar Ali said, "I love the holiday season, with all its festive lights and spirit of giving. It's a time for people to love one another and think of the less fortunate."

"I'm having a great time tonight," he added. "I got a nice gift from my secret Santa, and – ooh – Robbie Williams on karaoke! Gotta go!"

Stevenson elaborated his position, pointing to a man with a turban hovering by the punch bowl and a woman in a sari eating a canapé. "Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior. People who don't believe in him have no right to have fun."

When asked for comment, co-worker Jason Schwartz, holding a full plastic cup in his hand, said, "Woooo!"

MF is Shangzilla's party correspondent

Vote on "Muslim, Hindu colleagues have great time at office Christmas party": This is funny! | This is boring

Well bugger me! English lessons offer profanity insanity

Mark — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 10:44:54 +0800

Shanghai mother-of-one Mrs Fang was shocked to hear her son use a colorful English phrase at breakfast on Tuesday. "When I told Xiao Fang to brush his teeth before going to school, he shouted a dirty word at me! I couldn't imagine where he could have learnt that word, the little f-cker."

A recent report by the Shanghai Culture and Ethics Committee turned the spotlight on a number of popular English clubs which have been reportedly been teaching their students to curse. The "Walk Da Talk Da Walk" television show, a regular staple of the advertising screens in metro stations, used language including "mingebuckets" and "Boutros Boutros-Ghali" in a recent episode.

Demi-god and electronic dictionary salesman Da Shan was also rapped in the report after using the phrase "fo shizzle ma nizzle" on CCTV earlier this year. Word.

Mark is Shangzilla's culture correspondent

Vote on "Well bugger me! English lessons offer profanity insanity": This is funny! | This is boring

Golden cats with magic flapping arms "set to power Shanghai"

Olga — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:21:20 +0800

Scientists at Shanghai Jiaotong University have discovered that the popular golden cats known as Maneki Neko could provide an environmentally-friendly solution to the city's power supplies problems. The beckoning golden cats can be seen in many shop windows and houses around the city, and are reputed to bring wealth to their owners.

Charlie Coloumb, who is leading the international team at Jiaotong University, explained to our reporter that the magic flapping arm of the cats could be used to generate electricity. "We are unsure exactly how the cats manage to keep their arms flapping up and down, up and down, 24 hour a day: but when we observed this, we were confident we could harness the motion as a power source."

The scientists hope to create a network of up to 10,000 Maneki Neko cats to power the city. An enormous cat is also under construction in Minhang District, and is expected to be completed before the 2010 World Expo.

Olga is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Vote on "Golden cats with magic flapping arms "set to power Shanghai"": This is funny! | This is boring

Have a whine, win a Uruguay potato vine

Shangzilla — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 08:43:00 +0800

On second thoughts, since the rhyming dictionary didn't come up with anything better, write an article for Shangzilla in December and you could win a delicious Christmas pudding, specially imported from the UK.

Congratulations to Nicholas who won last month's bottle of wine for his article.

For an explanation of how to send us your article, see the write for us page.

Anhui ayis to promote tourism via sock sculptures

Paul — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:33:40 +0800

The Anhui Province Tourism Development Board has announced a plan to use the 20,000 ayis from the province working in Shanghai in an innovative guerilla marketing campaign. "We discovered many of our foreign friends in Shanghai didn't know anything about Anhui except that their ayis came from the province" commented Tang Xiaoxia, the provincial tourism head.

Ayis will be encouraged to promote the province's scenic spots, including Jiuhua Mountain and the Ming Emperor Tombs. Many foreign residents returned to their homes on Tuesday to discover impressive replicas of various Anhui sights. "My ayi had constructed a full-size replica of the Xuguo Arch Gate in Yixian using my socks", commented Max Wycliffe, a British translator living in Jing'an District. Dedicated Xiao Hong, an Ayi from Anhui who works in the Hongkou Area, used the discarded pizza boxes in the house of Shane Hayes, an Australian expatriate, to reconstruct the Ruins of Zhongdu near Fengyang.

Paul is Shangzilla's tourism correspondent

Vote on "Anhui ayis to promote tourism via sock sculptures": This is funny! | This is boring

Single monster WLTM playmate

Nicholas — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 06:48:27 +0800

I'm a monster of Reptilian ancestry, in my 300s, ~185m tall and 2350kg, green scaly skin and glowing red eyes. Looking for that special beast for some fun times and maybe more.

It's easy to feel alone in this city, surrounded by millions of humans you can't relate to, wanting to just be yourself, but always feeling the stereotypes that others attach to you. Is there a monster out there who can provide some companionship and a little fun, who can really understand me?

My idea of a perfect first date would start with a walk on both banks of the Huangpu, followed by a climb up the Pearl Tower. Later we'd hit Hongkou for some low-key concrete walkup stomping. I can see us finishing up the night with a snack at the well-populated Xujiahui intersection.

If this sounds good to you, hit me up by telepathy, writing smoke in the sky, or a newsworthy catastrophe. Hope to hear from you soon!

Nicholas is Shangzilla's lonely hearts correspondent

Vote on "Single monster WLTM playmate": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai named as Asia's gayest city

Bobi — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 06:04:47 +0800

Shanghai has been named as Asia's gayest city, according to an info-graphic prepared by Shangzilla intern Bobi Chan.

"Lots of consulting companies bring out dubiously researched surveys naming Shanghai as the 14th most expensive city to live in, or the 3rd most polluted" commented the enthusiastic Chen. "I also don't have any real data, but I did make a cool-looking graphic to back up my story! I also found some cool clipart to illustrate it!"

Chen, who lists "familiarity with Word and Excel software" amongst the many skills on her CV, says she has no plans to come out, although she is planning on visiting Tashkent.

Bobi is Shangzilla's intern

Vote on "Shanghai named as Asia's gayest city": This is funny! | This is boring

Dan Wasburnt loses Dan Wasburnt impersonator contest

Benjamin — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:28:17 +0800

Shangzilla editor-in-chief Dan Wasburnt was disappointed to lose in a Dan Wasburnt impersonation contest held in Shanghai this weekend. Although Wasburnt excelled in the "writing articles for the Economist" round, penning an article entitled "Indonesia: at a crossroads", he lost out in the crucial swimsuit round to the editor of a rival, inferior, publication.

Wasburnt's colleague Kenneth Tangent said that Wasburnt was downcast after the contest. "As the real Dan Wasburnt, he was really hoping for a top-three finish. Maybe he should stick to Elvis contests."

Benjamin is Shangzilla's impersonation correspondent

Vote on "Dan Wasburnt loses Dan Wasburnt impersonator contest": This is funny! | This is boring

Extra! Extra! Buy nothing day, brawls and Barbarougeabonbon

Matt — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 10:14:48 +0800

Doctors at Huashan hospital reported a large number of additional patients with stress-related ailments during Saturday's Buy Nothing Day. The stress of not going shopping for a entire day caused mental anguish for many Shanghai residents.

City Diner is to hold a regular "Fight Night" after the chair-throwing success of the first, unofficial, event. Tickets will be on sale from Tuesday, price 120RMB.

Finally, news that three of Shanghai's top nightspots: Barbarossa, Bar Rouge and BonBon are to merge to form a new superclub, with the working title Barbarougeabonbon.

Matt is Shangzilla's on the streets correspondent

Vote on "Extra! Extra! Buy nothing day, brawls and Barbarougeabonbon": This is funny! | This is boring

Paris Hilton speaks "perfect Mandarin", taxi driver reports

Mary-Kate — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 07:53:36 +0800

Taxi driver Hu Wei has been working the streets of Shanghai for five years. On Friday evening he picked up his most famous passenger to date, Paris Hilton.

Hilton, in town for the MTV Music Awards on Saturday, slipped away from her bodyguards and boarded the blue Dazhong taxi near Lujiazui. Hu said at first he did not recognise the superstar, as she was wearing underwear.

"To my surprise, she spoke perfect Mandarin" noted Hu, "I had heard she was a brainless bimbo, but we had a long conversation about Confucius and the poems of Li Bai and Du Fu. She really nailed the tones, unlike that Da Shan I had in the back of my cab last week. He had to look up every other Chinese word in a little electronic dictionary!"

Mary-Kate is Shangzilla's celebrity correspondent

Vote on "Paris Hilton speaks "perfect Mandarin", taxi driver reports": This is funny! | This is boring

Rude awakening for "Kareoke King"

Matt — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 09:59:18 +0800

Shanghai resident and British expatriate Gary Bryant had to suffer more than a bruised ego after a disastrous attempt to sing karaoke in a London bar.

Bryant, 28, has spent the last year living in Shanghai, where he is a regular visitor to the Partyworld KTV on Wulumuqi Lu. Bryant's friends in Shanghai were quick to praise his drunken renditions of "Hotel California" and "Take me to your heart". Over time, Bryant began to believe the compliments about his signing voice were genuine, and began to refer to himself at work as the "Kareoke King". On returning to the UK for his Christmas break, Bryant decided to attend a karaoke evening at a Central London bar.

The reception at the open-mike evening in Henry's Bar and Grill in London's fashionable Soho district was less generous. "Get off the stage you fat bastard, you can't sing" was among the more printable of the heckles.

"Who the **** are Michael Learns To Rock?" bouncer Dave Smith was heard to remark whilst throwing a sobbing Bryant into a back alleyway.

Matt is Shangzilla's entertainment correspondent

Vote on "Rude awakening for "Kareoke King"": This is funny! | This is boring

Resolutely create your own socialist banner!

MF — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:58:58 +0800

You need to view this article online to see the interactive content

MF is Shangzilla's propaganda correspondent

Vote on "Resolutely create your own socialist banner!": This is funny! | This is boring

Bright shining orb in Shanghai sky is actually the Sun

Paul — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:31:22 +0800

Shanghai schoolboy Ye Wang reacted with dismay on Tuesday morning after spotting a terrifying yellow-white shining object in the sky from his bedroom window. Ye's father Lao Wang and grandfather Zhende Lao Wang spent several hours discussing the bizarre phenomenon, before deciding it must be the Sun. Ye's grandfather remembered this legendary object which used to be seen in the sky during his childhood, long before Shanghai was covered in a layer of year-round smog.

Q. Does the sun ever come out in Shanghai?
A. I don't know, I'm only 7 years old.

Paul is Shangzilla's unexplained phenomena correspondent

Vote on "Bright shining orb in Shanghai sky is actually the Sun": This is funny! | This is boring

Have a whine, win some wine

Matt — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 09:55:29 +0800

Living in Shanghai can be stressful. Get it off your chest and do something creative by writing for Shangzilla, Shanghai's finest news source. See the write for us page for details of how to send us your article.

Anyone who writes an article between now and the end of November will be entered in a draw to win a bottle of wine, specifically 2006 Chardonnay Chenin Blanc (product of Argentina). It's better than Great Wall, we promise.

Send your articles on any aspect of Shanghai life to contact@shangzilla.com, because you're bound to be funnier than us.

Shanghai-Hangzhou maglev train to use giant cats

Hamid — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 18:00:19 +0800

A magnetic levitation railway between Shanghai and Hangzhou will see giant cats replacing trains in an attempt to cut costs. The maglev project has been in the works for a decade, with an estimated price tag of 35 billion RMB, but was shelved earlier this year after environmental and cost concerns.

It is thought that using 15-tonne genetically modified cats is likely to ease the fears of environmental protestors, while also reducing the cost to a whisker under 20 billion RMB.

The first cat, nicknamed Chairman Miao, is likely to begin operation in 2011.

©上海杭州大猫磁浮交通发展有限公司 (image copyright Shanghai-Hangzhou Large Feline Maglev Transportation Development Co., Ltd.)

Hamid is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "Shanghai-Hangzhou maglev train to use giant cats": This is funny! | This is boring

China to reduce US dollar reserves, buy cookies

David — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:15:58 +0800

China will make signficant investments in chocolate chip cookies as it seeks to diversify its foreign exchange reserves, according to a statement released on Wednesday.

Beijing sought to reassure the world financial markets following an announcement by Cheng Siwei, the vice chairman of the National People's Congress. Cheng said that China would consider switching some of its huge foreign exchange reserves away from dollars.

James Hughes, an analyst at CMC Markets in London commented "Mmmmmmmm, cookies".

David is Shangzilla's economics correspondent

Vote on "China to reduce US dollar reserves, buy cookies": This is funny! | This is boring

Shangzilla caused my booze hell

Johnie — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:02:14 +0800

Unable to deal with the effects of sudden fame, first-time Shangzilla contributor Jonathan Walker descended into a personal hell of booze, personal demons and social withdrawal.

Johnie's experience was practically instantaneous. "It's quite a high for a few minutes" said Johnie, speaking from underneath a sleeping bag in his flat, "but after that, you look in the fridge for a beer and say 'what's the point' ".

"The worst thing was dealing with the effects of sudden fame" Johnie continued. "When I told Jeff about my success, he was quite interested, but then a few days later he was pestering me again to find out which article I actually wrote".

"...I smell paparazzi..."

"Either that, or he's after some weird fantasy with the writer, where we get married in Africa or something"

Johnie normally works with computers, and has limited interaction with society.

Vote on "Shangzilla caused my booze hell": This is funny! | This is boring

Returning expat's gifts all bought for 8 kuai

Matt — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 10:19:16 +0800

British expatriate Henry Levins, 32, returned to his hometown of Colchester, England for a visit last week, delighting friends and relatives with a selection of cheap Chinese souvenirs. "I got this lovely silk scarf", exclaimed Levin's mother Janet; "Henry must have gone to so much trouble!"

The scarf, much like the chopsticks Levin bought for drinking buddy David Hatton, cost just 8 RMB (1 US dollar) at the Yu Garden last Monday. Levins, who earns around 70,000RMB a month at a international bank, haggled the price down from 10RMB after a enthusiastic bargaining session. After gathering all his presents in a ten-minute shopping spree, he set off to catch his flight.

Levins has been conducting a long-distance relationship with girlfriend Amanda Eaton, 28. She was also overwhelmed with her necklace engraved with the Chinese characters for "love". Unfortunately due to a miscommunication, the 8RMB piece is actually engraved with the characters for "sweet and sour pork".

The banker says that his friends loved "all of that Chinese shit".

Matt is Shangzilla's shopping correspondent

Vote on "Returning expat's gifts all bought for 8 kuai": This is funny! | This is boring

Editor cobbles together another article with gratuitous nudity

Dan — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 17:11:26 +0800

Dan Wasburnt, 108, the playboy owner of popular Shanghai satirical blog Shangzilla awoke on Saturday morning with a terrible hangover after a heavy night at Bar Rouge. After enjoying one too many champagne cocktails, the thought of penning a long, serious article was too much to handle so Wasburnt decided to go with the old standby of tasteful nudity.

"She's, like, famous or something. Maybe she has an aunt from Shanghai" reasoned Wasburnt.

Memory Booster Boosts Profits

Tipsy — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:57:37 +0800

Shanghai based language pharma-school MandarinPill has announced record profits of 173 million RMB in the 3rd quarter following the launch of its Laowaicide line of tablets and suppositories.

The company claims that if taken hourly the drug allows a patient to absorb the Chinese language effortlessly at a rate 100 to 1000 times faster than with conventional learning based techniques. Moreover they state that this has been confirmed in over a dozen peer reviewed scientific studies.

Since its launch in April Laowaicide, which contains proven carcinogens, has become wildly popular within China's expat community, many of whom had previously spent months or years trying to grasp the vocabulary, tones and written characters of Chinese with no discernible results.

Some controversy has surrounded the reported side effects of the drug, which include nausea, hallucinations, leprosy and death. Nonetheless most users remain nonchalant about the risks - "Hey, this is China, you're risking your life just leaving the house! ... or even not ... a friend of mine went into a coma watching CCTV9" said Jing'An resident Mike Evans, 32, from Ohio, USA.

Early clinical trialists are not thought to have included Da Shan.

Others sounded a note of caution. Lucy Ashworth, 26, from Nottingham, UK says that while she is relieved at the hours of intense study and painful effort saved by taking the strange tasting pills, she has been worried by the sudden hair loss which started shortly after she began the treatment - "I can speak and read Chinese fluently now, but why couldn't I have done that as a blonde?".

But many users are quick to defend the product from its detractors. Speaking from his hospital bed Andrew Wilson, also from the UK, had nothing but praise for the drug, which has left him paralysed from the waist down - "It has improved my life immeasurably. Obviously I'll miss the use of my legs, but there is no country in the world more friendly to wheelchair users than China, so I think I'll be fine" he said, in Shanghainese dialect.

Analysts suggest that the products future is promising but not secure, due to legal challenges such as that launched in New Zealand last month after a local man acquired proficient Mandarin but was left speaking English in an Australian accent.

Tipsy is Shangzilla's health correspondent

Vote on "Memory Booster Boosts Profits": This is funny! | This is boring

Applicants for US visa must now jump through actual hoops

Benjamin — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:57:34 +0800

The US Consulate in Shanghai has announced that Chinese nationals wishing to apply for a US visa must now jump through a series of real metal hoops.

Consular officer Brad Fitzpatrick explained: "It has long been the case that applying for a visa to the United States requires jumping through numerous hoops: paying a fee, providing fingerprints, providing proof of employment. Financial documents, health documents, character checks...".

"We have decided to formalise this process by using a series of 24 inch stainless steel hoops.
Applicants will have to jump through the flaming hoops placed 3 feet above the ground. We are sure this will not make the application process any more arbitrary than it is at present."

Benjamin is Shangzilla's foreign affairs correspondent

Vote on "Applicants for US visa must now jump through actual hoops": This is funny! | This is boring

Computer virus turns images upside down

Ashok — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 11:09:20 +0800

The W32/Ebillug computer virus is rapidly spreading in China, according to Internet security firm Symmetric. The virus

- Sends itself by email
- Searches for open network shares
- Attempts to copy itself to unpatched or already vulnerable Microsoft IIS web servers
- Is a virus infecting both local files and files on remote network shares.
- Eats your mooncakes
- Is in your base, killing your doodz

The virus causes images on web-pages to appear upside-down. Here's an example from the Baidu search engine:

If you see any images on this site or others which appear to be upside down, you may have been infected by the virus. Anti-virus companies are working quickly to bring out new anti-virus definitions to fix the problem. Until these patches are available, anti-virus experts recommend turning your monitor upside down. If this is not possible, stand on your head.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

Vote on "Computer virus turns images upside down": This is funny! | This is boring

Conversations with Shanghai

Nicholas — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:20:27 +0800

Come here, Shanghai. Sit down. We need to talk.

Look, this is hard for me to say, because I care so much about you, but... you've changed. You're not the same as you used to be. The glitzy nights, the endless opening parties... the camera crews, for God's sake! Do we need all that to have a nice time together?

Sure, I'm not the dashing lad I used to be, but I'd like to think I've kept some of my original rapscallion charm. And I've learned to appreciate the spectrum of experiences there are to be had in this world.

Sometimes a dive bar is fun -- but it seems like you'd like to forget that part of you ever existed. And don't call those Potemkin nights on Tongren Road the same thing.

Or what about a botanical garden? A Chinese opera? You traded all that in for Dino Beach and the Lion King. I know that stuff is still inside you somewhere, but it's getting harder and harder to find.

The sad truth is, I sometimes slip away to Suzhou or Hangzhou, just for some time away from you. But even now you, in your jealousy and spitefulness, are making plans to draw them into your pearl-encrusted entourage.

Beijing's still got some of that chaotic exuberance, that lust for life. Maybe Beijing would understand me better. Or Hong Kong, now there's some class -- OK OK, don't get angry. I'm sorry I said it. Put down the sharp building and let's just think about it for a little while, all right?

Nicholas is Shangzilla's relationship correspondent

Vote on "Conversations with Shanghai": This is funny! | This is boring

God to expand operations in China with virgin birth

Ice Tray — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 05:59:59 +0800

Today the Chinese press released information regarding a possible virgin birth in Hubei Province. While no one has actually sighted the woman she is believed to have been sequestered until the birth can be broadcast live on the various CCTV broadcast stations. This move by God may be the first in an effort to establish a greater presence in the Middle Kingdom.

The Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied the Chinese claim. However a source close to the pope has confirmed that in an email from the Archangel Gabriel, God has been "considering more proactive options for expanding into emerging markets." The memo goes on to say that a move into China makes "perfect economic sense" because "expectations in commodities like miracles and divine interventions are low, thus the thermodynamic cost of providing these commodities can be kept low". While God's move into China is not unexpected it does leave speculation as to how previously established markets will fare given this recent development.

Analysts say that this move may be genius or madness. One possible downside may be the perception that God's commodities coming out of China are actually cheap knock-offs instead of the real deal. India, a regional rival, is already claiming that China's "alleged" virginal birth is really just a "cheap, rushed to market" copy of a virgin birth in Varanasi last year. However, this decision nearly doubles potential souls available to God and his various subsidiaries, not to mention the vast surplus of virgins for producing these types of births.

The move has also left many people wondering why China, normally not wanting to get into the Divine Being market, would suddenly embrace what is definitely a major reversal of policy. Sources say that the feeling is that this helps China present a more friendly face to the West as well as a solid strategy to counter-claims by religious and human rights organizations.

It's also great for business. Tours to see the virgin and child will be announced shortly after the birth, during Spring Festival of course, and a theme park near Wuhan is being planned. There are already factories producing burning bushes, "Diligently follow the 10 Commandments" tablets and crowns of thorns. The government has also facilitated a move to embrace God's desire by building the Communist Cathedral, to be the world's largest, by 2025.

The regular Chinese citizen seems to be taking it in their stride. As one area woman put it: "We already do Christmas better than the Westerners, it was about time we showed them that we can have virgin births too!"

Ice Tray is Shangzilla's miracles correspondent

Vote on "God to expand operations in China with virgin birth": This is funny! | This is boring

Michael Learns to Rock Still Haven't Learnt to Rock

Benjamin — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:43:24 +0800

Popular Danish pastry Michael Learns to Rock failed to rock Shanghai at a sell-out concert at the Qi Zhong Stadium on Friday night.

"Despite ten years of trying, Michael still hasn't learnt to rock." music journalist Ditzy K reported in "Mingzhu Yinyue" magazine. "He struggles to keep up with other groups in basic chord progressions and vocal technique. I would recommend holding him back a year. C minus"

Michael Learns to Rock achieved fame in KTV parlours across Shanghai due to their 2004 ballad "Take Me to Your Tart". Partyworld announced performances of the song were flat over the weekend, especially when sung after drinking whisky and green tea.

Benjamin is Shangzilla's music correspondent

Vote on "Michael Learns to Rock Still Haven't Learnt to Rock": This is funny! | This is boring

IBM assistant marketing executive Kenneth Greene is not actually Kenny G

Olga — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 01:41:07 +0800

Kenneth Greene, 42, a assistant marketing manager for IBM from Wichita, Kansas was mobbed by adoring fans at Pudong International Airport this morning. Greene, who has never been to China before, was visiting Shanghai for a sales conference and was rather perplexed by the welcome.

"Kenny G, Kenny G!" shouted the crowd. One man had brought a large inflatable saxophone, which he waved threateningly in Greene's direction.

The folically challenged Greene, who is no relation to popular jazz saxophonist Kenny G, dealt well with questions about his forthcoming studio album. However some people were left disappointed. "I expected him to have more hair" commented one 23 year old Lili Wang. "Still, at least he spared us by not playing Forever in Love".

Olga is Shangzilla's music correspondent

Vote on "IBM assistant marketing executive Kenneth Greene is not actually Kenny G": This is funny! | This is boring

New tone to be added to Mandarin Chinese for 2008 Olympics

Matt — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 02:33:09 +0800

Scholars from the Ministry of Education, the guardians of the Chinese language, have announced that a new tone will be added to Mandarin in time for the Beijing Olympics.

Li Yuming, a senior education official, said: "With the rapid cultural and social changes in recent years, as well as thriving new concepts in our daily lives, we felt that four tones were no longer sufficient. And the neutral tone has always been a bit of a 光棍."

The new tone joins the 1st tone (high, level, long), 2nd tone (high, rising, medium), 3rd tone (low, dipping, long), and 4th tone (loud, falling sharply, short). It will be denoted by a complex squiggle above the syllable.

"The sound is difficult to reproduce precisely in English," commented Mr Li with an evil chuckle. "Even Da Shan is going to struggle with this one".

Matt is Shangzilla's language correspondent

Vote on "New tone to be added to Mandarin Chinese for 2008 Olympics": This is funny! | This is boring

Shanghai Bagel promises delivery within 3 years - guaranteed

Shangzilla — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

New delivery company Shanghai Bagel promises to deliver fresh bagels to your home or office, in as little as three years.

Order a chocolate chip bagel now, and you can expect delivery by October 2010.

A spokesbagel commented to Shangzilla: "Shanghai Bagel is committed giving great service while providing fresh bagels and complimentary products. And we deliver within three years, or your money back."

Shangzilla ordered a muffin in 2004. We're still waiting.

Shangzilla is hungry

Vote on "Shanghai Bagel promises delivery within 3 years - guaranteed": This is funny! | This is boring

Overheard in Shanghai: Read my lips

Ice Tray — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

So I'm in the gym changing my clothes and this older Chinese man, maybe 70 years old, asks me "How long have you been in China?"

So I say "a year", as I get ready for the standard stream of questions. He comes back with "Do you have a Chinese girl yet?" to which I reply "No, I'm too busy". He laughs and says "You shouldn't waste your opportunities." I tell him "I keep my eyes open", he returns with "Just your eyes?" I try to sneak one by him with "I keep my heart open too." However he shuts me down with "Yeah, but you've got to use your hands and lips."

Game, Set, Match.

Ice Tray is Shangzilla's all-ears correspondent

Vote on "Overheard in Shanghai: Read my lips": This is funny! | This is boring

Breaking news: Aliens land in Shanghai

Nukey — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:14:55 +0800

After numerous reports of UFOs spotted in the Shanghai skies, today Shangzilla started to receive reports about strange looking alien creatures walking among pedestrians in the busiest streets of the city. They unsuccessfully try to disguise themselves as humans, but do not be fooled by anyone looking like a person with an eye-ball-head.

Be vigilant and do not come in contact with the creatures. After all their intentions are still unknown to us.

Nukey is Shangzilla's Space and Terrestrial Threat Advisor

Vote on "Breaking news: Aliens land in Shanghai": This is funny! | This is boring

Chinese consumers' profligacy echoes Burmese monks' bravery

Tipsy — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:34:16 +0800

Defiant shoppers in Shanghai notched up 5 billion RMB worth of counter-revolutionary purchases during October's Golden Week holiday. Rejecting the plain lifestyles of top communist officials they succumbed to such "capitalist roader" items as laptop computers, dishwashers and really big fridges.

In scenes reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin wall impatient bargain hunters crowded around the discounted items sections of countless department stores.

Many amongst the assembled spenders were quick to claim solidarity with the protestors in Myanmar (formerly Burma) such as Mr. Wu, 51 who said "They need flat screen televisions as much as we do".

Official policy in the Peoples Republic remains that of "to each according to his needs".

Tipsy is Shangzilla's shopping correspondent

Vote on "Chinese consumers' profligacy echoes Burmese monks' bravery": This is funny! | This is boring

Perfume review: "Summer in Shanghai" is scent to try us

Anna — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

Over the last few years various fragrances have been trying to capture the special scents of Shanghai, like Bond No.9's Chinatown and YSL's Fleur de Shanghai. This latest creation from the house of XiangDian might have succeeded most accurately.

As you spray it on, the topnotes leave a powdery mist of the well-defined smell of pollution on your body (imagine inhaling deeply into exhaust fumes).

Once the topnotes disappear, scents of the most delicious street-food mingle with the distinctive smell of a popular local mosquito-water.
A hint of trash in the process of decomposing, combined with traces of dead fish and chicken make up the heartnotes of "Summer in Shanghai".

After that, a slightly, yet meant to be, sickening sweetness builds the basenotes, which gives you the feeling of Shanghai's moist summer air.
I can identify white florals and stinky doufu as the main components, which become dominant after the heartnotes fade (and exotic fruits? green tea? motor oil?).

As basenotes, these are what is left on your skin and on your clothes, what mixes with your personal smell and acompanies you throughout the day.

Wearing "Summer in Shanghai" is like taking a stroll through this beloved city of cities. Although this fragrance truly evolves its effects when it can mix with the own body's sweat - it is a rather lovely composition by itself.

Anna is Shanghai's odour correspondent

Vote on "Perfume review: "Summer in Shanghai" is scent to try us": This is funny! | This is boring

Make your own Shangzilla headline

Shangzilla — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 12:00:11 +0800

You need to view this article online to see the interactive content

City to build enormous statue of Wang Jian Shuo

Daniel — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

A giant 392ft (120m) head of popular Shanghai blogger Wang Jian Shuo will top off the newest addition to the Shanghai skyline, according to plans announced on Friday.

"Wang Jian Shuo is single handedly responsible for helping out many Shanghai residents and visitors", announced Shanghai deputy assistant vice mayor Da Jinmao, "helping them find a job, book a hotel and get around the city. We thought it was about time the city paid him back, by building an enormous column in Pudong.

LED displays mounted on each of Wang Jian Shuo's eyebrows will broadcast his latest blog postings to any birds who happen to be flying past.

Comments on Wang Jian Shuo's blog were generally enthusiastic about the plan. "What a magnificent erection", one commenter proclaimed.

Daniel is Shangzilla's architecture correspondent

Vote on "City to build enormous statue of Wang Jian Shuo": This is funny! | This is boring

Fall decries Summer's "unlawful occupation" to UN General Assembly

Nicholas — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

In the opening days of the 787,291st session of the United Natures General Assembly, Fall made an impassioned plea for action against Summer's "extended and repeated expansion into Fall Territory".

"Fellow natures, these acts of geometeorological aggression cannot be ignored by the internatural community," declared Colored Leaves, Fall's delegate. "Summer has now pushed its high temperatures even past the traditional Mid-Autumn Festival, well into October. This unlawful occupation of such a large portion of Fall threatens the stability of the entire globe."

Summer defended its actions in a heated response. Stated Summer delegate Muggy Air, "There has never been an officially recognized border between our neighboring natures. A healthy intermixture of warm and balmy days has been a hallmark of our interaction."

The Weather Committee has been reviewing the evidence in a series of closed-system discussions led by ranking delegate Cirrus Cloud of Troposphere. An unnamed attendee of the talks reported that the Committee is highly concerned about the involvement of rogue natures. "What we really need to know is, is Summer directly collaborating with and receiving aid from Global Warming and its cohorts, or are they independent actors?"

Fall also continues to make appeals for aid and assistance to the United Strata of Atmosphere. "With its vast resources, Atmosphere could easily assist us with additional trade wind support or more frequent cold fronts." USA had no comment on the matter.

Nicholas is Shanghai's environment correspondent

Vote on "Fall decries Summer's "unlawful occupation" to UN General Assembly": This is funny! | This is boring

Burp!

Koyabashi and Matt — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Koyabashi and Matt are Shangzilla's replacement cartoonists since the last guy left

Vote on "Burp!": This is funny! | This is boring

UFO Spotted in Shanghai's night sky again, and again and again

Anna — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

In Shanghai - the inspiration for Matt Groening's Futurama - it's common to see unidentified flying objects in the sky. Shangzilla doesn't normally bother getting out of bed to report these stories. The Shanghai Daily are equally bored, recently reporting "UFOs spotted in Shanghai's night sky again."

When the international media gets hold of it, like in 1999, the story gets blown out of all proportion, until the articles sink deep into the collective subconsciousness of the internet's UFOology websites with their dead links.

So why do we and other representatives of the Shanghai media bother to write about our fellow aliens' forms of transportation? To get us more international readers? No. To sell UFO pictures to the western media for high prices? No.

The sensational aspect for us, that is captured in all three of these pictures, is: Shanghai had a clear sky! Yes, there it is. Our breaking news: believe it or not, it happened in 1942, 1999, and 2007.

Here you find the clear smogless sky, and of course, one of them damn UFOs had to fly right into it, spoiling our beautiful evidence picture.

Anna is Shanghai's UFO correspondent

Vote on "UFO Spotted in Shanghai's night sky again, and again and again": This is funny! | This is boring

Local resident disappointed by Orion Pies

Mary-Frances — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Local resident Ms. Wang expressed disappointment yesterday after the purchase of a box of Orion "Choco Pies":

"According to the commercial, Zhang
Dong-Jian should show up immediately in a pair of tight brown pants and take me for a bicycle ride. I know he's from Korea and everything, but if they couldn't get him even that Jerry guy from F4 would have been okay. But when I bought these, nothing."

She plans to write to the company for an explanation.

Mary-Frances is Shangzilla's pie correspondent

Vote on "Local resident disappointed by Orion Pies": This is funny! | This is boring

Area man mocked for absurd English name

Xu Liyun — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Shanghai computer engineer Li Chao has endured a week of teasing from his colleagues at Internet advertising company Pikopo.com this week, after he announced he now intended to be known as John Li. "What a ridiculous English name to choose!", giggled secretary Paperclip Chen. "He probably doesn't realise how silly it would sound to a foreigner", added marketing executive Haddock Liu.

According to HR manager Chimpanzee Zhang "At one time, only the very few Chinese who had contact with foreigners had English names. In recent years, more and more young Chinese are choosing to use an English name."

The ribbing continued in the company cafeteria, where the IT department were trying to outdo themselves recounting the names of former colleagues. "Xiao Li could have chosen worse", laughed Tampon Qin, "I used to have a friend called 'Colin'!"

Xu Liyun, Shangzilla's business correspondent, is not telling you his English name

Vote on "Area man mocked for absurd English name": This is funny! | This is boring

How did the laowai cross the road? By pulling a Whitey

Kobayashi — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

Exclusive! American resident Archie Tuype pulled a whitey in Shanghai earlier today. This puts "pulling a whitey" incidents 16% up on last month alone, according to official statistics compiled by the Bureau of Laowai Relations.

The incident occurred when Tuype needed to cross the road quickly as he was late for meeting a girl named Lily at the Starbucks on Nanjing Lu.

Eyewitnesses report seeing Archie begin running across the road, when a policeman whistled harshly for him to stop, flailed his arms above his head, beat his chest and began swinging on nearby lamp-post.

Archie "pulled a whitey" by giving the international double-thumbs-up sign and giving a huge cheesy smile - the policeman giggled shyly and waved him past.

Kobayashi is Shangzilla's on-the-streets correspondent

Vote on "How did the laowai cross the road? By pulling a Whitey": This is funny! | This is boring

Sun Microsystems introduces Suncakes™

Nukey — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 09:30:00 +0800

Sun Microsystems, the well known computer software, hardware, and e-business solutions provider has decided to step into another niche of the Chinese market, Middle Autumn Festival's mooncakes. The
mooncake market in China yearly grosses at over $8 billion in sales.

That is to estimate, in China every person buys about 6 mooncakes at $1 a piece. People normally give them to each other as presents and eat them during the festive dinners and daily meals.

"To miss such an opportunity of capturing a market share and billions in profit would be a mistake," said Sun Microsystems spokesperson in Shanghai, Jeff Sunlight. Recent competitive involvements of IBM, SAP, as well as Chinese software companies have been eating Sun's lunch in e-business solutions in China.

"Intoduction of Suncakes™, will stabilize our profits in China and balance our losses in software market," added Sunlight.

Suncakes will come at reduced prices than their Chinese counterparts, due to the added marketing value.

Nukey is Shangzilla's business correspondent

Vote on "Sun Microsystems introduces Suncakes™": This is funny! | This is boring

Advertisement feature: Casual Mandarin

Kobayashi — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Do 99% of expats need to speak Chinese other than when ordering food and making girls giggle with their hand in front of their mouth? No.

Do most people feel a sense of being unique and clever when they utter a few simple sentences to a taxi driver, or a girl giggling with her hand in front of her mouth? Yes.

This is where Casual Mandarin comes in.

We have spotted a niche gap in the language teaching market - for a reasonable 20,000RMB fee, which includes 6 hours of classes, a CD, and a night of inflexible and squeaky passion with a language teacher, you will learn how to make the necessary Chinese hand-signs from one to ten.

Tired of getting 1 apple given to you instead of 2?

Tired of getting 5 apples instead of, say, 6?

Come to Casual Mandarin - the sex is bad and the price ridiculous - but at least you WILL have sex.

Kobayashi is Shangzilla's advertising executive

Vote on "Advertisement feature: Casual Mandarin": This is funny! | This is boring

Mighty Shangzilla.com makes other Shanghai websites look like tiny kumquats

Ashok Balaji — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

According to the latest traffic statistics realeased by Internet monitoring company Alexa (see graph below), popular satirical blog Shangzilla is streaking ahead of rival English-language city sites.

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt commented "these figures are a vindication of our hard-hitting journalism."

Other sites including little-known blog Shanghaiist (a poor parody of Shangzilla) saw their traffic flat over the month, while Shangzilla traffic increased 6253% on a month-on-month basis.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

Vote on "Mighty Shangzilla.com makes other Shanghai websites look like tiny kumquats": This is funny! | This is boring

Toy company rocked by new scandal

Matt — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

US toy giant Haslow has recalled 80,000 of its Gee Gee Gee-up Tiny Toddlers Talking Rocking Horses after reports of a serious fault in the manufacturing process at a Chinese factory.

The toys, manufactured by the Jiading Jiayou Jiayou Manufacturing Company, are supposed to say phrases such as "Let's go for a ride", "I like it when you brush me" and "I'm a little pony".

Unfortunately a bug in the Chinese-English translation software used by the company led to the company mistakenly building a Mocking Horse rather than a Rocking Horse. The Mocking Horse reportedly tells riders "Who do you think you are, the ****ing Lone Ranger?", "Get off my back, Fatso" and "I can't believe you spent $89.99 on me at Walmart!"

A spokesman for Haslow said that consumers should return their mocking horses for a full refund.

Matt is Shangzilla's economics correspondent

Vote on "Toy company rocked by new scandal": This is funny! | This is boring

Photo of giant monster attacking city is clever hoax

Matt — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 00:00:00 +0800

BREAKING NEWS There is panic on the city streets this morning! Pictures (see below) are circulating which appear to show a giant monster attacking downtown Shanghai. Alarmed office workers, many of whom are working an extra day today before the Golden Week, quickly spread the startling photos via QQ and email. We recommend staying indoors, though you might want to run down to Lawson to stock up on some of those Pocky biscuits. Shangzilla likes the white chocolate ones. More when we have it.

Are you in the area? Are you affected by the monstrous events? Send us your images from the scene: contact@shangzilla.com

UPDATE 11.23am The Public Security Bureau have dispatched a team to tackle the monster, although the latest images from the scene suggest they may already be too late to save one of Shanghai’s best loved TV towers, the Oriental Pearl TV tower. Jiangjiang writes "OMG OMG OMG i can see the evil glare in its eyes."

UPDATE 2.58pm Calm is returning to the streets: the shocking imagery which led to the red alert earlier has been found to be a clever fake. Emergency response officer Chen Lianyu explained to a packed press conference "Although the images which were circulating this morning appeared highly realistic, after substantial analysis we suspect they may have been created using a soft toy and a plastic souvenir model. Also we've checked the Pearl Tower, and it still seems to be there".

Matt is Shangzilla's breaking news correspondent. Photography by MF.

Vote on "Photo of giant monster attacking city is clever hoax": This is funny! | This is boring

Introducing our new cartoonist

Shangzilla — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

We are very pleased to announce that Kelvin "Stinky" Doufu, the popular illustrator, will now be drawing exclusive cartoons for Shangzilla.

We hope you'll enjoy his first comic.

Note from the Editor, Mr Doufu went on strike when he discovered that the 50,000 RMB salary we had promised him was an amusing prank, and did not submit the first two panels for publication. We think you'll agree, however, that the punchline is an absolute belter

How to eat at mài dāng láo

Chen Kaotao — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Ordering in Chinese restaurants can often be a challenge. Our intrepid restaurant reviewers make it simple for you...

By Chen Kaotao, Shangzilla's food correspondent

If you're craving authentic Shanghai specialities, you can't go wrong with local joint Mài dāng láo. There are numerous eateries around the city, just look for the distinctive yellow characters on a red background.

To order, approach the counter and jab your finger vigorously at the menu. We recommend the 7RMB qīzi burger. The Hàpǐ Meal and chīkīn McNuggets are other specialities.

The waitress may ask you Do you want fries with that. You should reply yes (if you would like a container of salt with your meal) or no (you would not).

After your meal is freshly prepared, take it to an empty table and enjoy. It's considered proper manners to shout "wǒ jiù xǐhuan" as you leave.

Rumours suggest Mài dāng láo may even be opening a branch in the United States soon.

Satirical blog will use any old excuse to put tits on the home page

Shangzilla — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Popular satirical blog Shangzilla will use any old excuse to put women's breasts on the home page, according to editor Dan Wasburnt. "Whether it's Hairong Tiantian (海容天天) getting her assets out for some performance art, a body painting festival in Lhasa, or a a sex expo in Pudong, we've discovered that – to sum it up in three words – sex sells"

Wasburnt added "Of course we'll always have some kind of human interest story to go with it, but we know most of our readers will just head straight for the image slideshow."

This blog would never stoop to such levels.

Expat won't shut up about "the old Shanghai"

Nicholas — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 11:00:00 +0800

Acquaintances are tiring of 31-year-old American Jared Dougherty's tendency to launch into boring stories about the old days. "You should have seen this place in '01. We didn't have 'Bar Rouge' or 'Moon River Diner' or any of those creature comforts," he insists to anyone who will listen. "No way, man, it was real back then."

Dougherty started his sojourn in Shanghai as a language instructor but soon moved on to other careers, a history he described in great detail last Wednesday at JZ Club ("a commercialized sell-out hack of a joint") to anyone who would listen. "Back in those days, there was opportunity everywhere. For a while I made a killing selling stuff on eBay. Now THERE'S a story..." he quipped as a number of friends headed to the restroom or went to get another drink.

Although no one doubts that Dougherty has seen quite a few corners of this city, few actually care. "Did you know you can rent a ping-pong table in a corner of Hongkou Stadium?" he mentioned to a friend who may have been listening. "One crazy Tuesday night I played Kong Linghui there - of course, back then he was only 17 and drunk as hell..."

"I respect the fact that he's hung around this long," concedes friend Ann Falcone, who has known Dougherty since early 2006, "but everyone's got a breaking point. If I hear that story about a suitcase full of deodorant and Xbox games one more time, that's it."

Nicholas is Shanghai's American correspondent

Vote on "Expat won't shut up about "the old Shanghai"": This is funny! | This is boring

Socks-over-tights Fashion Show set to wow fashion critics!

Sharon — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 23:59:00 +0800

Along with the first of its kind Contemporary Arts Exhibition and Expat Show, Shanghai will again make headlines with the upcoming 'Socks-over-tights' fashion show.

Fashion critic Mr. Washuwazi from The Poople's Magazine says "This kind of fashion is unique to the Shanghai pop culture scene, its special mix of East and West culture and I believe the whole fashion world can pay attention to the upcoming styles of the Orient and learn from it. It really is spectacular..."

Japanese jewellery designer MickeyMoto will also be using this event to proudly show off his stunning Autumn collection of 22-carrot bowl. Indeed, a girl's best friend.

Sharon is Shangzilla's fashion correspondent.

Vote on "Socks-over-tights Fashion Show set to wow fashion critics!": This is funny! | This is boring

Metro Line 8 to be shaped like a big 8

Hamid — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Over on the Ditiezu forums regular poster ourorobos has some exciting news about new metro line 8 planned to open in December.

Apparently the line will be shaped like a large 8, (see map, below) with a single stop at People's Square, where riders will be able to transfer free of charge to line 8.

It is thought additional loops may be added in future, with five or six visits to People's Square on a single journey. It may be almost as exciting as a trip on the Bund Tourist Tunnel.

Hamid is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Vote on "Metro Line 8 to be shaped like a big 8": This is funny! | This is boring

PRC team favourites for 'how much stuff can I balance on my bike' World Championship

Mike — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

The Chinese team are gearing up for the "how much stuff can I balance on my bike" World Championships to be held in Shanghai next month.

After the disappointment of Hanoi 2003, when they were eliminated at the semi-final stage by unfancied Sri Lanka, the Chinese team are confident they can win this time around.

"We have been in constant training on the streets of Shanghai for the last four years," commented PRC team captain Li Qiang, "and we are confident our knowledge of the terrain, combined with our ability to carry unnecessarily large loads on our bikes, will prove decisive". Li's speciality is carrying over 100 water bottles on his trusty bicycle.

Meanwhile, Guangzhou amateur Mr Liu who recently hit the headlines for balancing his dog Gougou on the back of his bike, failed to make the squad for the championships after he could not balance a pyramid of 21 golden retrievers on his bicycle.

Mike is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Vote on "PRC team favourites for 'how much stuff can I balance on my bike' World Championship": This is funny! | This is boring

Every day is International Talk Like a Pirate Day in Beijing

Jack — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 00:47:30 +0800

International Talk Like a Pirate Day passed Shanghai on September 19 by with about as much consequence as Typhoon Wipha.

In Beijing, by contrast, everyone seems to think they are a pirate, adding the piratical "rhotic -r" suffix to their words.

"Shiver me timbers, maties, hoist the anchor, duan yidianrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Avast ye varmint, wode grog zai narrrrrrr?"

Jack is Shangzilla's pirate correspondent

Vote on "Every day is International Talk Like a Pirate Day in Beijing": This is funny! | This is boring

Did you see that crazy guy?

Kate-Ashley — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 00:42:01 +0800

Ha ha ha did you see that crazy guy? He had 200 polystyrene boxes balanced on the back of his bike! And the really miserable guy holding all the inflatable pigs.

And that old woman sitting on the bench next to Ronald McDonald. That's like totally showing the contrast between the old and the new China, man. I wish I had had my camera with me.

Kate-Ashley is Shangzilla's randomness correspondent

Vote on "Did you see that crazy guy?": This is funny! | This is boring

e-mooncakes full of festive e-cheer

Olga — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 21:28:28 +0800

The traditional mid-Autumn festival gift of mooncakes has a new interpretation: this year, many people are sending e-mooncakes instead, via email and QQ Messenger.

Messages posted to the popular Baiban discussion forums appladed the innovation. "It's so much easier than sending real mooncakes" commented one poster, "and it's not as if anyone ever actually eats real mooncakes, we just re-gift them to someone else".

e-mooncake recipients should beware however, this week security experts found the first virus contained in an e-mooncake. Created by a hacker known as TastyCake99, the e-mooncake contains a variety of less than pleasant fillings.

Olga is Shangzilla's society correspondent

Vote on "e-mooncakes full of festive e-cheer": This is funny! | This is boring

Call that a typhoon?

Lilian — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 08:33:09 +0800

Shanghai residents reacted with disgust to the "mega-typhoon" Wipha which failed to hit Shanghai Wednesday.

No TaiFeng, a resident of Luwan district, abandoned his plan to build a large wooden Ark, which would contain two of every flavour of mooncake available in the city.

Lilian is Shangzilla's anti-climax correspondent

Vote on "Call that a typhoon?": This is funny! | This is boring

Spider-man climbs Jinmao Tower dressed as Frenchman

Benjamin — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

International superhero Spider-man climbed one of Asia's tallest buildings earlier, the 420.6m tall Jinmao tower.

A bite from an irradiated spider had previously given Spidey superpowers including the ability to cling to walls, superhuman strength, a sixth sense ("spider-sense").

However for the attempt the wallcrawling webslinger decided to dress up as a Frenchman, with a blue beret, striped jumper and string of onions around his neck, to the delight of onlookers. "I have always loved Superman" commented Wang, a local taxi driver.

Benjamin is Shangzilla's stunt double

Vote on "Spider-man climbs Jinmao Tower dressed as Frenchman": This is funny! | This is boring

Chinese lead found to contain high levels of lead

Matt — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 08:58:43 +0800

US Trade Commissioner Keith de la Hoya issued a warning Tuesday that numerous lead products such as lead weights and lead-based paints, including those manufactured by Shanghai Shentin Engineering Company, had been found to contain high levels of lead.

"We have found lead in a number of products, including lead weights and lead-based paint" raged de la Hoya. "In one case, a 12 ounce lead weight contained a dozen ounces of lead!"

This is the latest of a series of scandals involving Chinese-made products in the US.

Matt is Shangzilla's economics correspondent

Vote on "Chinese lead found to contain high levels of lead": This is funny! | This is boring

Student promises homework will be ready "in time for 2010 World Expo"

Paul — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Ding Lijun, a third-grade student at Honglingjin No. 1 School in Yangpu district, has promised his parents that his homework will be ready "in time for the 2010 World Expo".

Much like 13 new metro lines, redevelopment of Shanghai's satellite cities, a new high-speed maglev line, a city-wide wireless network, English training for all city educators, 14 new museums, cleanup of polluted waterways and a city-wide wireless network.

Ding was told to go to his room.

Paul is Shangzilla's education correspondent

Vote on "Student promises homework will be ready "in time for 2010 World Expo"": This is funny! | This is boring

Visitor buys all the crap he is offered on Nanjing Lu

Wendy — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Australian tourist Shane Edgewood, 27, bought all the crap he was offered while walking down premier shopping street Nanjing Dong Lu on Monday.

Edgewood is now the proud owner of some 27 designer bags, 15 Rolex watches (8 of which run clockwise and 7 anti-clockwise) and 2 Ropex watches. He also has sufficient postcards to send to every one of his fellow countrymen, a selection of poorly-executed paintings, a stash of Hungarian art-house DVDs and six potential wives.

Wendy is Shangzilla's shopping correspondent

Vote on "Visitor buys all the crap he is offered on Nanjing Lu": This is funny! | This is boring