Tourists Ray and Wanda Correira spent all day today looking for the Xiangyang Fake Market. The couple were unaware that the market closed in 2006, since they were relying on their old copy of Frommer's China to get them around the city. "I'm sure it should be here, near the Shimen Yi Lu metro station" said Ray, after several hours walking around in circles. "Actually we can't seem to find that either."

"We're finding it a bit difficult to get our bearings" said Ray. "For example the Pu Dong marshland on the east side of the river seem to have some skyscrapers and stuff there now. Whatever will they think of next!"

For dinner the Correiras are heading to the Naked Cow before an evening out at Mint. We wish them luck.

本报讯，昨日上午一英国籍男子马田拨打本社新闻热线，希望将其亲身遭遇公诸于众。

据马先生口述，有次他迷路希望求助于路人，当他刚说到：“我可以问你吗？”该女子就回了句：“流氓”，转身离开，留下马先生一个人非常无助。在饺子店他客气地问服务员，“我要水饺，多少钱一碗？”，又一次遭遇了服务员的白眼。

马先生希望借助本报的力量呼吁全社会要善待外国客人，尤其是普通话不那么标准的。

本报记者王静随后与马田汉语老师取得联系。经过调查，“问”和“吻”发音相同，只差声调的区别；“水饺”和“睡觉”也相似；而“碗”和“晚”则完全一样。马先生恍然大悟，并表示决心一定要学好汉语声调。


王静，驻墨尔本汉语声调记者

Controversial new research from researchers at Shanghai Abnormal University has suggested that Li Bai, one of the greatest poets in China's history, was a foreigner who spent much of his life bumming around China to avoid going back home to pay his student loan. Fan Yangbing, who led the research, said the evidence was difficult to ignore.

The cultural faux pas: "Once, Li Bai was drunk and asked Gao Lishi, the most powerful eunuch in the palace, to take off his boots in front of the emperor."

The excess consumption of alcohol: "Li Bai had a great love for liquor."

Putting off getting a proper job: "Though he expressed the wish to become an official, he could not be bothered to sit for the Chinese civil service examination."

Having one too many at Bar Rouge: "he is said to have drowned in the Yangtze River, having fallen from his boat while drunkenly trying to embrace the reflection of the moon."

Moreover, new textual analysis suggests that Li Bai may have ripped off the poems which so fascinated the aristocrats of 8th century China from Britney Spears songs.

花間一壺酒。 Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
獨酌無相親。 My loneliness is killin me (and I)
舉杯邀明月。 I must confess I still believe (still believe)
對影成三人。 When Im not with you I lose my mind
月既不解飲。 Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Shanghai resident and British expatriate Gary Bryant had to suffer more than a bruised ego after a disastrous attempt to sing karaoke in a London bar.

Bryant, 28, has spent the last year living in Shanghai, where he is a regular visitor to the Partyworld KTV on Wulumuqi Lu. Bryant's friends in Shanghai were quick to praise his drunken renditions of "Hotel California" and "Take me to your heart". Over time, Bryant began to believe the compliments about his signing voice were genuine, and began to refer to himself at work as the "Kareoke King". On returning to the UK for his Christmas break, Bryant decided to attend a karaoke evening at a Central London bar.

The reception at the open-mike evening in Henry's Bar and Grill in London's fashionable Soho district was less generous. "Get off the stage you fat bastard, you can't sing" was among the more printable of the heckles.

"Who the **** are Michael Learns To Rock?" bouncer Dave Smith was heard to remark whilst throwing a sobbing Bryant into a back alleyway.

Shanghai based language pharma-school MandarinPill has announced record profits of 173 million RMB in the 3rd quarter following the launch of its Laowaicide line of tablets and suppositories.

The company claims that if taken hourly the drug allows a patient to absorb the Chinese language effortlessly at a rate 100 to 1000 times faster than with conventional learning based techniques. Moreover they state that this has been confirmed in over a dozen peer reviewed scientific studies.

Since its launch in April Laowaicide, which contains proven carcinogens, has become wildly popular within China's expat community, many of whom had previously spent months or years trying to grasp the vocabulary, tones and written characters of Chinese with no discernible results.

Some controversy has surrounded the reported side effects of the drug, which include nausea, hallucinations, leprosy and death. Nonetheless most users remain nonchalant about the risks - "Hey, this is China, you're risking your life just leaving the house! ... or even not ... a friend of mine went into a coma watching CCTV9" said Jing'An resident Mike Evans, 32, from Ohio, USA.


Early clinical trialists are not thought to have included Da Shan.

Others sounded a note of caution. Lucy Ashworth, 26, from Nottingham, UK says that while she is relieved at the hours of intense study and painful effort saved by taking the strange tasting pills, she has been worried by the sudden hair loss which started shortly after she began the treatment - "I can speak and read Chinese fluently now, but why couldn't I have done that as a blonde?".

But many users are quick to defend the product from its detractors. Speaking from his hospital bed Andrew Wilson, also from the UK, had nothing but praise for the drug, which has left him paralysed from the waist down - "It has improved my life immeasurably. Obviously I'll miss the use of my legs, but there is no country in the world more friendly to wheelchair users than China, so I think I'll be fine" he said, in Shanghainese dialect.

Analysts suggest that the products future is promising but not secure, due to legal challenges such as that launched in New Zealand last month after a local man acquired proficient Mandarin but was left speaking English in an Australian accent.

Exclusive! American resident Archie Tuype pulled a whitey in Shanghai earlier today. This puts "pulling a whitey" incidents 16% up on last month alone, according to official statistics compiled by the Bureau of Laowai Relations.

The incident occurred when Tuype needed to cross the road quickly as he was late for meeting a girl named Lily at the Starbucks on Nanjing Lu.

Eyewitnesses report seeing Archie begin running across the road, when a policeman whistled harshly for him to stop, flailed his arms above his head, beat his chest and began swinging on nearby lamp-post.

Archie "pulled a whitey" by giving the international double-thumbs-up sign and giving a huge cheesy smile - the policeman giggled shyly and waved him past.

Acquaintances are tiring of 31-year-old American Jared Dougherty's tendency to launch into boring stories about the old days. "You should have seen this place in '01. We didn't have 'Bar Rouge' or 'Moon River Diner' or any of those creature comforts," he insists to anyone who will listen. "No way, man, it was real back then."

Dougherty started his sojourn in Shanghai as a language instructor but soon moved on to other careers, a history he described in great detail last Wednesday at JZ Club ("a commercialized sell-out hack of a joint") to anyone who would listen. "Back in those days, there was opportunity everywhere. For a while I made a killing selling stuff on eBay. Now THERE'S a story..." he quipped as a number of friends headed to the restroom or went to get another drink.

Although no one doubts that Dougherty has seen quite a few corners of this city, few actually care. "Did you know you can rent a ping-pong table in a corner of Hongkou Stadium?" he mentioned to a friend who may have been listening. "One crazy Tuesday night I played Kong Linghui there - of course, back then he was only 17 and drunk as hell..."

"I respect the fact that he's hung around this long," concedes friend Ann Falcone, who has known Dougherty since early 2006, "but everyone's got a breaking point. If I hear that story about a suitcase full of deodorant and Xbox games one more time, that's it."